For his last Internet venture, Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett did some rapping.
Eventually, the Cowboys did some fining.
This time around, Bennett is doing some blogging for the Dallas Morning News.
Though it’s not nearly as entertaining as a profane rap song, it’s . . . um . . . intriguing.
Here’s a portion of his first entry, from last week:
“Have you ever went on a date and the girl didn’t look as good as you remember? This really sucks! Yesterday my friend went to meet a girl at the movies he had met at the bar two nights before. We all know once you have a few drinks everything seems to look better it’s what we call the Grey Goose affect. LOL (laugh out loud).” [Editor's note: Thanks, Martellus, for letting me know what "LOL" means. I had always wondered, but was too afraid to ask. In 1998.]
“Well anyways he goes to the movies to meet this woman when he gets there I recieve several text messages about how cute she isn’t and it couldn’t be the same girl. . . . Instead of leaving he orders popcorn, sour patches and two big 44oz drinks and proceeds into the movie finds them a seat and begins to sip his drink. He watches the previews and tells her that they need to go see one of the future movies in the previews if they ever go to the movie together again and smiles. Then he goes ‘man this is some strong stuff it is going straight threw me I have to go to the restroom.’ Gets up and walks all the way to his car gets in it starts it and leaves. Hahaha. Didn’t tell her bye or anything just left. Now that’s funny but is truly messed up.”
And here’s what surely will go down as an Internet classic, from Tuesday of this week:
“Man what do you do if your chic farts? It doesn’t seem as if women should fart. I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus.
“I guess women have to let go at times too but it just doesn’t seem right, but if they do then it shouldn’t smell or make a sound. I mean come on if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and as she’s feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her beauty or call her out?”
But Martellus hasn’t yet abandoned his first love. Bennett and his partner from the rap that got “Marty B” fined have made a new song, without the profanity.
And we’ve finally figured out why some songs include profanity. It helps to distract attention from the fact that, you know, the song sucks.
Martellus Bennett, The Blogger
Posted by Mike Florio on April 8, 2009, 9:16 AM EST
54 Responses to “Martellus Bennett, The Blogger”
mmm. Spaghetti and Pancakes.
Some people sound smarter when they don’t say anything at all.
So, somebody at the Dallas Morning News offered this guy a writing job? No wonder newspapers are dying.
Honesty from a player is refreshing – and entertaining when he’s a moran
lol thats some good stuff
This guy is an even bigger piece of shit than I thought.
I don’t know much about Martellus Bennett, but from what I’ve read so far.., I’m guessing he’s ‘the kid’. And by that, I mean, the kid who got elevated from one grade to the next, based only on his athletic ability to play sports. I see no example of intelligence or maturity beyond the 8th grade level. So it’s a good thing he’s paid well…, because Mr. Bennett doesn’t seem to show much aptitude for anything beyond his football days.
Wow! Spaghetti and pancakes. Hollywood, here I come!
While I’m struggling to pay back my student loans, it’s great to know that someone that can’t spell the word “carcass” probably went to school on a scholarship and is now a millionaire. What a great country we live in!
What a POS (Piece of Shit). Another member of America’s Turd. The Dallas Morning News must be nearly bankrupt if it is replacing newsworthy items with a blog about how funny it is to leave a woman rideless at the movies and debating what to do about a woman who has flatulence. Jerry Jones, can you please talk with this guy about decency? Obviously, his parents never did.
Spaghetti or Pancakes? I wish. The pussies around here all want leaf burgers and soy malts.
please keep us updated on more of marty b’s greatest hits. this stuff is hilarious.
His experience in the Grocery store is better than the alternative…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eat,_Pray,_Queef
Slooooowwwwwwwww newsday Florio?
umm…….”moran”??? nice work Ze.
that story is an internet urban legend. let me know when he writes about “his buddy” deucing ina girls bed, while she sleeps, wakes up and writes her a note that tells her she’s gross, and he leaves. i’m sure he’s perusing the interent as we speak for more stories of his friends.
This guy is a dumb Channing Crowder.
No wonder Witten cant stand this guy, he is a complete jackass.
Florio,
You’re blogging about someone else’s blog….who are you? Perez Hilton??
get a life, Mike.
H.I.T.
I’m loving the hate. ooh Martellus Bennett is SUCH A TURD because he knows a guy that bailed on a chick at the movies and has the audacity to ponder a course of action for when a hottie farts! LOL (laugh out loud)
This guy’s writing makes Magic Johnson’s talk show sound like Meet the Press LMAO (laugh my a$$ off). Does he have no friends or teammates to convince him that he’s both humiliating himself as well being extremely offensive to women?
Christ man, some of you people need to lighten up. some of you are calling him a piece of shit?? You act like this dude was calling your mom a filthy whore. Is he the sharpest tool in the shed? No. (as evidenced by his spaghetti and pancake comment, but was funny) But we are guys. You never ditched a girl or wanted to during a date cuz of her looks? Or were all of you one of those lame asses that married the first girl you banged in high school. I personally hate when a girl farts, its a turn off. I dont even do it around my girl. Thats for people who have been married for 25 yrs and their relationship is like brother and sister..But then again I burp like nobodies biz so I suppose that pretty much offets everything. At any rate, loosen up dickwads
“And we’ve finally figured out why some songs include profanity. It helps to distract attention from the fact that, you know, the song sucks.”
modern day hip-hop in a nutshell…
“What a POS (Piece of Shit). Another member of America’s Turd.”
No he’s a COWBOYS player, not a BUCS player.
Some people can’t sing but do it anyway just like some people can’t write but do it anyway. It’s about doing what makes you happy.
Boy, there’s just no end to the stupidity associated with Dallas Cowboys players. Is there?
techstar25 says:
April 8th, 2009 at 9:14 am
So, somebody at the Dallas Morning News offered this guy a writing job? No wonder newspapers are dying.
*****
Truer words have never been spoken.
“Do you let her slide because of her beauty or call her out?”
I find Angelina Jolie repulsive. Always have. I never understood the fascination with her.
“spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood”
Actually people in Hollywood eat spaghetti and french toast. Close enough though.
Oh yea, his friend sounds like a real winner.
Tell me someone read the one about him meeting a bunch of aliens “3 or 4 times.”
I like it when someone calls someone else a moron and mispells it.
He’s great! Florio, you need to hire this guy.
the “moran” thing is a joke you apparently didn’t get: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=moran
“that story is an internet urban legend.”
Right, because everybody knows that no guy would ever ditch a date.
No there is no end to the stupidity associated with Cowboys players just like there’s no end to the mediocrity associated with Eagirls players.
The “spaghetti and pancakes” thing was a joke too, just like when I say “go paint the cat’s ass or whatever it is that “morans” do for fun”.
If you guys want to read some really funny stuff, check him out on Twitter.
I can feel the idiocy seeping from this blog, and spreading to millions.
I shall not let it corrupt me.
There’s a hiring manager working for the Dallas Morning News that needs to be not only fired, but dragged into the street and shot in the face.
Oh Marty B. You so crazy.
“There’s a hiring manager working for the Dallas Morning News that needs to be not only fired, but dragged into the street and shot in the face.”
I completely agree, but this was apparent before they got Marty B to blog for them.
I just read his most recent blog:
“Anyways Witten and I are working on becoming the best
TE tandem possible and that is going well. Be on the look out for
Beans and Rice lmao. I’m beans and he’s rice. Has nothing to do with
us personally but it does sound good hahaha.”
Marty B, thanks for letting us know which one of you ‘Rice’ is. I would have stayed up nights trying to figure that one out… becuase… you know, it has nothing to do with you guys… personally.
Marty B is DUM, D-U-M, DUM (*the B in DUMB is at the end of ‘MartyB’)
Dude must have watched South Park last week.
Our Great President Abrahm Lincoln once said “Better to remain silent and be thougt a fool, then to speak (in this case blog) and remove all doubt.”
This is just plain awesome. Kenny Powers would be proud.
i guess i’ll be the only one to speak up and say that his blogs make me laugh. part laughing at him, part laughing with him. he does seem to think & write on a high school level, but i’m still entertained.
hell, give him his own radio show!
PS – i am NOT a cowboys fan. i do enjoy watching people act stupid in public though.
@ Vox
What do you do when jerry is feeding you spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people in Dallas eat and as he’s feeding you he farts. Do you let him slide because of his money or call him out?”
Well I’m not in Dallas but if I happened to be in Dallas and Jerry Jones happened to be feeding me spaghetti and pancakes and he farted, my reaction would depend on the quality of the fart. In any case I’d immediately move upwind, then I’d either ridicule him for not producing a huge, resounding fart like one might expect a billionaire to produce, or I’d congratulate him for his hearty fart.
laugh out loud
/finds marty B’s blog
//clicks “add to favorites”
///thinks vox is a P.O.S.
I’m guessing the Dallas Morning News really wants to dumb down their readership.
“I’m guessing the Dallas Morning News really wants to dumb down their readership.”
Check the blog comments. Seriously. They can’t dumb it down any further.
vox i called it an internet urban legend because i have read this exact story on other sites by different authors before.
Fox Faritass
To me, the beauty is in the transition to his closing line
“Well if you ever wanna meet a alien holla at me . . . . Never stop chasing your dreams.”
“if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating
spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and
as she’s feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her
beauty or call her out? . . . . Never stop chasing your dreams.”
That’s Gold Jerry! Gold!
Next week he’ll be blogging about Ovaltine…
This is hilarious that you posted this……. I was just thinking about him having a rap beef with eminem… b/c he just made a video making fun of romo…… and in Marty B’s song he could sample T,O, and call it “Thats my Quarterback” the whole chorus would just be t.o. crying thats my quarterback thats my quarterback.
Spaghetti and pancakes?, the West Coast Version of Chicken and Waffles? Damn near pissed my pants when I read that one…