Last week, we were able to justify not doing the “midseason awards” thing because most teams had yet to play eight games -- and because too many of you were paying attention to the final days of the World Series. (Now that baseball season is finally over, wake me up when it’s time to go back to sleep.)
So we are now compelled to engage in the inherently meaningless exercise of dubbing certain players with titles like “Sir Loin of Beef” and “Sir Osis of the Liver.”
Why? Because you want to see what we think, so that you can then call us idiots.
Our MVP, as previously explained in a PFTV segment and on NBC with Peter King and Jimmy Roberts, is Saints quarterback Drew Brees. Though Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has better stats and is winning in the midst of plenty of changes and challenges, there’s something about the way that Brees pushes the buttons of his players, getting performances above and beyond their otherwise maximum ability.
Others deserving consideration are Vikings quarterback Brett Favre, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, and Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
But Peyton Manning is the our offensive player of the year, to date. He’s on pace to break the single-season passing yardage record -- and it’s no surprise. He has been playing long enough to be as smart and savvy on the field as a long-time head coach, but he still has the physical skills that made him the top pick in the 1998 draft.
On the defensive side of the ball, the player of the year thus far is Saints safety Darren Sharper, and we’ve got a feeling that, at some point in January, the Vikings will sorely regret not bringing him back, if they don’t already. Though Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was a close second in our complex formula (slips of paper and hat), 7.5 of his 10.5 sacks came against “Baby Swiss"; Allen has only 3.0 sacks in six other games. Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil is in the conversation, too, with 10.5 sacks. (His failure to show up in the last two games hurts him, however.)
Offensive rookie of the year? Vikings receiver/kick returner Percy Harvin. Without question. He already has mastered the short routes of the West Coast offense, he has solid hands, and he returns kickoffs like a man among much slower men. If they can teach him how to field punts, he’ll be a well-rounded version of Devin Hester.
Texans linebacker Brian Cushing is the defensive rookie of the year, in our view. He has helped beef up a defense that needs to improve in order to better complement a high-end offense. Bills defensive back Jairus Byrd gets consideration, too.
Coach of the year presents our biggest conundrum. And an opportunity to eat the biggest slice of humble pie. So we’ll go with Chilly a/k/a Brad Childress, in large part because he recognized that quarterback Brett Favre would be a huge upgrade at quarterback, even without being at training camp. Chilly also gets bonus points for dressing in drag on the team plane and for keeping a straight face (for the most part) while talking about Brett Favre rubbing his own groin.
Worst coach? Eric Mangini of the Browns. Do we really need to explain this one?
The executive of the year (and again this one requires us to mutter “Newman” a time or two) is Colts G.M. Bill Polian, who picked the right guy to succeed Tony Dungy and has otherwise made the right moves to ensure that the team hasn’t missed a beat, despite considerable change in various capacities.
The worst executive is also Eric Mangini, since he had the juice in Cleveland and then when it blew up he tried to blame it all on the worker bee, George Kokinis. Mangini should have traded one of his two subpar quarterbacks before the season, and he should have drafted in the mid-to-late rounds a young one to develop. And he shouldn’t have rounded up so many Jets players who were just good enough to get him fired from his last job.
The best free-agent signing came when the Bengals managed to keep tailback Cedric Benson around via a fairly favorable contract. Fortunately for the Bengals, not many teams were paying attention to Benson’s ability to move the chains late last season on a team that had no passing game.
The worst free-agent signing is a N.O.-brainer. It’s T.O., who based on his performance should have ads for the second season of his reality show printed on a milk carton. He definitely made the Bills relevant, until the games started.
We might add a few categories later. But it’s too close to lunch and I’m distracted by thoughts of pan-frying last night’s leftover pizza. (If you’ve never pan-fried leftover pizza, you should by a pizza tonight for the sole purpose of trying it tomorrow. You can thank us later.)