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Chris Johnson wins first ESPY of the night

We had no intention of watching the ESPYs tonight, but then we realized something.

Nothing else is on.

And it’s actually not bad, so far.  Host Seth Myers’ monologue essentially amounted to an extended version of Weekend Update while standing, with a couple of shots at Vikings quarterback Brett Favre (he didn’t appear to be amused), and the following slap at Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, which frankly shouldn’t have drawn laughter from Tim if he’s as passionate about his religious convictions as he claims:  “Tim’s jersey is already one of the top selling jerseys in the NFL.  I heard that and thought, ‘Jesus, who does this guy know?  Oh right, Jesus.'”

(We’re aware of no joke exception to the whole “thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain” thing.  If there is one, let us know.  We’ve been leaving a lot of potential material on the shelf.)

Then, the first made-up award of the night was awarded, for Best Breakthrough Player.  The winner?  Titans running back Chris Johnson.

“You know, it’s an honor to me,” Johnson said after winning the award.  “First of all, I want to thank God, most of all.  Without Him it wouldn’t be possible.  I want to thank all the fans who voted for me, I want to thank all my friends and family.  I want to thank Ustream and I want to thank Twitter most of all.  And if you got a Twitter, follow me at ChrisJohnson28.”

It didn’t exactly conjure memories of Jack Palance or Cuba Gooding, but they also didn’t have a grill in their mouths.

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49 Responses to “Chris Johnson wins first ESPY of the night”
  1. flavordave says: Jul 14, 2010 9:39 PM

    Does anyone take an ESPY serious?

  2. PackFaninPackLand says: Jul 14, 2010 9:44 PM

    Florio – how pathetic are you to be watching the ESPY’s ???
    Did you lose a bet or something ?

  3. lebowski says: Jul 14, 2010 9:49 PM

    God I wish Twitter would just go away. Like athletes needed another reason to have their egos stroked. “I can’t wait to see what Joe Jagoff has to Tweet about!!!”

  4. keithcash says: Jul 14, 2010 9:49 PM

    grow up with the Tebow thing
    jesus

  5. Kubik says: Jul 14, 2010 9:49 PM

    God Florio, you just take any chance you can to take a dig at the “competition”, right?

  6. TheVulture says: Jul 14, 2010 9:50 PM

    Wow. Twitter and God. Shakespeare is reborn.

  7. FumbleNuts says: Jul 14, 2010 9:53 PM

    He didn’t thank his blockers or the Titans?
    Amusing!

  8. milehiclown says: Jul 14, 2010 9:53 PM

    Golly. I guess devout Christians aren’t allowed to laugh or smile at an ESPN AWARDS SHOW.
    You just can’t stand that he might actually be a decent, christian guy.

  9. CanadianVikingFan says: Jul 14, 2010 9:54 PM

    Religion is fine and all, but alot of football players take it too far. God didn’t score that TD for them.

  10. moolah954 says: Jul 14, 2010 10:01 PM

    omg did anyone hear Tim Tebow and Vince Young they bot sound like the took the short bus to school

  11. facelessman says: Jul 14, 2010 10:01 PM

    No..No one take this awards show seriously..but neither do they take the MTV kids choice awards but yet Florio seems to love to talk about that show to..

  12. Huskersrock says: Jul 14, 2010 10:03 PM

    ESPN lame self promoting award show. Who in the f cares? I am not a florio basher but this must be am altime low.
    Bad company (1970) is on flixs, Pretty good movie.

  13. realitypolice says: Jul 14, 2010 10:05 PM

    Chris Johnson is 3 feet tall. Who knew?

  14. mallet21 says: Jul 14, 2010 10:08 PM

    Its pretty shocking that CJ didn’t thank himself during his acceptance speech.

  15. craigja says: Jul 14, 2010 10:09 PM

    I wish God would put some of Chris Johnson’s skill into the bodies of my Cleveland Browns RB’s.

  16. CutlerIsACryBaby says: Jul 14, 2010 10:10 PM

    Ustream…..oh no…..

  17. TiceWasBetter says: Jul 14, 2010 10:10 PM

    As Adrian Peterson knows, you’re nothing in this league as a running back without good blocking.
    Nice job Johnson on thanking your o-line.

  18. CutlerIsACryBaby says: Jul 14, 2010 10:12 PM

    Ustream…..oh no…..

  19. toothpick says: Jul 14, 2010 10:14 PM

    i don’t like tebow either florio, but what is your reasoning behind your jab that he shouldn’t have laughed at the jesus joke? have you ever laughed at a lawyer joke? how about a west virginia incest joke? if you have than you’re a hypocrite. if you haven’t than i pity you.

  20. mattb4343 says: Jul 14, 2010 10:19 PM

    Florio I think that “taking the Lords’s name in vain.” is widley misinterpreted. It’s easy to say yeah don’t say, Jesus or God with a negative connotation. I think however that it means, don’t say you are a Christian and not act like one. As in don’t take on the name of the Lord in vain. So yeah it’s probably not good to use God’s name as a curse but I think people are largely missing the point of the commandment.

  21. aj says: Jul 14, 2010 10:21 PM

    Billy the Exterminator. Channel 265 DTV. Far more entertaining. Either that or South Park.

  22. TrueFan says: Jul 14, 2010 10:25 PM

    I guess you don’t get the concept of “Religion” CanadianVikingsFan.
    It’s something you TRULY believe in and base your life on. And Christians believe that God made them, gave them everything, including opportunities and abilities. No such thing as “taking it too far” unless (Like you apparently) you don’t think it really means anything to begin with.
    They aren’t saying God “scored a touchdown.” Geez.
    They are trying to provide a witness to their belief in their religion.
    But you’re from Canada. Your religion is Hockey, right? 🙂

  23. PackFaninPackLand says: Jul 14, 2010 10:38 PM

    toothpick – that was a GREAT Post !

  24. Pantherfan10 says: Jul 14, 2010 10:43 PM

    God damn Chris Johnson sounds like he’s retarded. Dosn’t even sound like he has a highschool education

  25. mr.bozojones says: Jul 14, 2010 10:55 PM

    Not watching and won’t watch, but the question arises, who’s Seth Meyers??? Must be a comic, but I never heard of him till I read this column.

  26. QJ1984 says: Jul 14, 2010 10:56 PM

    WRONG AGAIN, Florio. Criminal Minds was on, you could have watched that.

  27. jaydee327 says: Jul 14, 2010 10:57 PM

    Did ESPN give itself the espy for best sports reporting? Or best non-matching eyeball combination (Stuart Scott)?

  28. Rothlestool says: Jul 14, 2010 11:01 PM

    How about thanking your offensive line, fullback, TE, Vince Young and the Titans Organization? Can’t run when there ain’t no holes to go through.

  29. 1137vine says: Jul 14, 2010 11:13 PM

    Do not use the Lord’s name in vain means “do not swear by God and then lie. That diminishes the Lords value. In other words, “Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” Witness responds, “I do.” then lies. Or, person knowingly buys stolen goods and gets caught with them in his car and proclaims, “I swear to God, I didn’t know they were stolen.” Therefore, there was no use of the Lord’s name in vain in the comment mentioned.

  30. Kay Bee says: Jul 14, 2010 11:19 PM

    Yeah, an ESPY is not as prestigious an a Profootballtalk.com award…right?

  31. steely devil hab says: Jul 14, 2010 11:28 PM

    # TrueFan says: July 14, 2010 10:25 PM
    I guess you don’t get the concept of “Religion” CanadianVikingsFan.
    It’s something you TRULY believe in and base your life on. And Christians believe that God made them, gave them everything, including opportunities and abilities. No such thing as “taking it too far” unless (Like you apparently) you don’t think it really means anything to begin with.
    They aren’t saying God “scored a touchdown.” Geez.
    They are trying to provide a witness to their belief in their religion.
    But you’re from Canada. Your religion is Hockey, right? 🙂
    ————————–
    You forget – we socialist tree huggers of the north, aren’t too big on fantasy reading.
    Stephen Hawking…now we’re talking.
    I know 80 years of life out of 4.6 billion years seems like a drop in the bucket – but it is, what it is.

  32. NJfishfan says: Jul 14, 2010 11:31 PM

    Upon receiving his ESPY, Johnson replied ” fo shizzle, fizzle flazzle, beep boop…. Thank you” …. Then left the stage

  33. CYGNUS X-1 says: Jul 14, 2010 11:34 PM

    is there no end to your tebow bashing florio? what because he does not hide his beliefs he is not aloud to have a sense of humor?and how is saying the name jesus taking the lord’s name in vain excatly?

  34. CYGNUS X-1 says: Jul 14, 2010 11:36 PM

    what you did not show up to accept your award for best internet hack posing as a journalist award?

  35. robert ethen says: Jul 15, 2010 12:19 AM

    When your name is Seth you have no cred for poking fun at religion.

  36. BlitzburghGator says: Jul 15, 2010 5:07 AM

    Amazing how people will look for a way to spin everything Tebow does into something negative.
    And the thought that Florio has any room at all to judge him is laughable at best…

  37. Buck Stallion says: Jul 15, 2010 6:05 AM

    WOW jaydee327!
    Fantastic post!
    I was going to criticize ESPN, & Florio for posting about it, but no way I can top that.

  38. DonTerrelli says: Jul 15, 2010 6:21 AM

    You know, I mean, you know, I mean, like you know what I’m sayin?

  39. prmpft says: Jul 15, 2010 6:39 AM

    that must also be the made up sorry sack of crap award…

  40. Pat4Pack says: Jul 15, 2010 7:20 AM

    “We’re aware of no joke exception to the whole “thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain” thing. If there is one, let us know.”
    Seriously? Ok, so it’s a baseball joke, but here goes:
    Q: What do Billy Graham and Billy Buckner have in common?
    A: They are the only two people who can get an entire stadium of people to jump out of their seats, throw their hands in the air, and scream “Jesus Christ!”

  41. odds75to1 says: Jul 15, 2010 8:51 AM

    I watched the replay at 1am or something…anyway Ed Thomas’ family was presented the Arthur Ashe award. That piece is a MUST WATCH!!! Do yourself a favor and watch it.

  42. DowninCtown says: Jul 15, 2010 9:05 AM

    Florio, I understand the whole Matthew 6 thing you keep harping on, but in the spirit of non-hypocrisy perhaps you should look into 1 Corithians 4:5

  43. Chapnasty2 says: Jul 15, 2010 9:16 AM

    SNL hasn’t been funny in years. Why this idiot got to host is beyond me another indication of why not to watch this crap that ESPN has spewed. What did Landon Donovan win? Must have been biggest Cherry Picker goal and falling beyond short of winning a championship.

  44. bayou says: Jul 15, 2010 9:47 AM

    Most athletes are pathetic. Please learn how to speak. You make yourselves looks like freaking morons. It chaps my ass to hear you know what I mean or you know what i’m saying every two god damn words. Get a 5th grade education PLEASE!!!

  45. The Real Shuxion says: Jul 15, 2010 10:04 AM

    Never actually watched the ESPY’s. Never plan to, if Jay Marriotti recommends it, then stay the F away.

  46. tingbatz says: Jul 15, 2010 10:19 AM

    You shoulda been watching Calgary @ Toronto of the CFL!!!!

  47. AbeFreshly says: Jul 15, 2010 12:10 PM

    ‘Jesus, who does this guy know? Oh right, Jesus.'”
    (We’re aware of no joke exception to the whole “thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain” thing. If there is one, let us know. We’ve been leaving a lot of potential material on the shelf.)
    lol. Such a nice Italian/Catholic boy. Thou shalt not stoop to lower levels in the hope of being funny.
    …ooooops…wait…

  48. suite34 says: Jul 15, 2010 9:17 PM

    I’m no biblical scholar, but the ten commandments are from the Old Testament. Jesus made a name for himself in the New Testament. Therefore, from an “old school” perspective, Jesus is not the Lord and thus no “Lord’s name in vein” etiquette was breached.
    No word yet from the Lord on the rampant breach of commandment number four– “Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy.” I suppose Tebow can only play on Thursday and Monday nights.

  49. suite34 says: Jul 15, 2010 9:19 PM

    Sorry, “vain” not “vein.”

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