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How to talk to the media like a Patriot, in four simple steps

Suffield AcademyCommencement Belichick AP

It’s notoriously difficult for reporters to get Patriots players to say anything interesting.  This does not happen by accident.

Bill Parcells had his 11 commandments for quarterbacks.  Bill Belichick has his four rules for dealing with the media, as detailed by Tedy Bruschi on NFL Live via Mike Reiss of ESPNBoston.com.

1. Speak for yourself

“That’s something Coach Belichick always said — ‘Don’t worry about anyone else’s situation, on another team or your team, always think about your job, doing your job, and commenting on that,'” Bruschi said.

So don’t give up anything compelling on teammates or opponents. Got it.

2. Never talk about injuries.

“Never let them know if you’re hurt or not hurt.”

The only surprise here is that this isn’t rule No. 1.

3. Pour on the perfume.

“This is compliments. You want to spray that perfume on your opponent on Wednesday all the way through Saturday, and then get the job done on Sunday,” Bruschi relayed.

Rex Ryan was right!

4. Fall back on cliches.

“When in doubt, use the old safe cliche. You love those — ‘100 percent’, ‘one day at a time,”‘ Bruschi said.

Crash Davis would be proud.

In the future Belichick may consider a fifth rule: Don’t give away all our rules when you join the media.

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29 Responses to “How to talk to the media like a Patriot, in four simple steps”
  1. 2mannings1cup says: Jun 13, 2011 1:14 PM

    This was a waste of a post. Should have been titled, “I’m a jagoff, and have nothing to report on, so I will rattle off this garbage while I fondle my poo-hole with my index finger.”

  2. maxvv says: Jun 13, 2011 1:16 PM

    Stuff like this makes me grateful this sport has a guy like Rex Ryan.

  3. puppetmaster says: Jun 13, 2011 1:17 PM

    How to talk like a Patriots fan:

    After a win::;

    ” HAHAHA we are better than you, we are smarter than you. Belichik is a genius. Our Super Bowl wins are not tainted. Everybody was doing it. You are just jealous. Brady is God! We are obnoxious and we dont care what you think of us. We were always “fans”! We didn’t jump on the bandwagon after the first SB *win*! Belichik only “misinterpeted” the rules! Everybody was doing it!

    After a loss::

    *chirp, *chirp, * chirp (the sounds of crickets)

  4. blizzard01 says: Jun 13, 2011 1:19 PM

    Just as important is HOW you say something like a Patriot:
    (four simple steps)
    1- Cover up- wear shades, pull up your collar, pull a hat over your eyes. Look like a dope 7th grader.
    2- Mumble. If they can’t understand you, they can’t ask follow-up q’s.
    3- (ok- more like 2b) Look bored. This lets the media know you’re doing them a big favor by speaking to them.
    4- No eye contact- middle distance only. Gives you a half-dazed aloofness that sets off the other three steps perfectly.

  5. waldoampere says: Jun 13, 2011 1:19 PM

    Number 5 – Eliminate any hint of a personality.

  6. captainwisdom8888 says: Jun 13, 2011 1:21 PM

    I know it’s easier to approach the media like a robot with nothing of your true self to offer, but it’s just not commendable. Players want to avoid being villainized by saying the wrong thing so they choose not to say anything of significance at all…it’s exhausting. Then a guy like Ochocinco rolls around and tells it how he sees it and he gets lambasted for “not keeping his mouth shut.”

    The majority of these “tough-guys” are so utterly frightened at the thought of saying the wrong thing to the media…it’s pathetic.

  7. trbowman says: Jun 13, 2011 1:22 PM

    5. Don’t talk about other peoples fetish

  8. ampats says: Jun 13, 2011 1:29 PM

    You missed the twitter comment which was the fifth rule.

  9. PFTiswhatitis says: Jun 13, 2011 1:44 PM

    Bruschi is losing his shine. STFU Bru!

  10. Soulman45 says: Jun 13, 2011 1:45 PM

    FRIST to say Bill 4 rules rules the day.

    Two rules
    When you win say little, when you lose say less.

  11. hwentworth says: Jun 13, 2011 1:50 PM

    How to talk to the media like a Jet:

    1. Shout nonsensically
    Shouting isn’t necessary, but it helps.

    2. Promise championships
    Specifically, avoid being vague about when you’d like to win said championships. Handcuff yourself immediately: insist upon winning a championship in the current season.

    3. Name drop former Patriot wide receivers
    Whenever possible, mention former Patriots WRs as potential free agent pickups.

  12. lucky5934 says: Jun 13, 2011 1:53 PM

    Very entertaining to read, but in reality, a very good list to live by. I will make sure I use this list when posting on this site.

  13. endzonezombie says: Jun 13, 2011 2:00 PM

    How to talk like a Patriot fan:

    Rule #1: Just sound like a moron and you will fit right in.

  14. CKL says: Jun 13, 2011 2:16 PM

    “In the future Belichick may consider a fifth rule: Don’t give away all our rules when you join the media.”
    ___________________________________
    I don’t think that’s a big deal. Several players have mentioned “coach” not wanting them to comment on this and that. Most of us Pats fans (and probably a lot of other teams’ fans) have already figured out the main “rules” anyway.

    Tedy did forget to mention (or he didn’t want to mention) that BB does have his favorites and they are “allowed” to say things that others aren’t. In fact Tedy was one of those.

  15. patpatriotagain says: Jun 13, 2011 2:23 PM

    how to be a patriot.
    1. win more games in a decade than anyone else.

    2. win more rings in a decade than anyone else.

    3. laugh at the whiners who have to make excuses about why your team won more than theirs (waaa, they cheated!!)

    4. Know that even though they all spew their bile and hatred towards “the hoodie” they would all jump for joy if he became their head coach.

  16. touchdownroddywhite says: Jun 13, 2011 2:24 PM

    Pointless, but entertaining. I am ok with that. Beats pointless and boring.

    I didn’t quite laugh but I did snicker more than once.

  17. rumorhater says: Jun 13, 2011 2:41 PM

    Just cheat baby! (you know how we roll).

  18. SteveBeans says: Jun 13, 2011 2:58 PM

    puppetmaster says: Jun 13, 2011 1:17 PM

    After a loss::

    *chirp, *chirp, * chirp (the sounds of crickets)
    ———————————————–

    Whew, good thing you cleared up those were cricket noises!

  19. puppetmaster says: Jun 13, 2011 3:11 PM

    @steve beans

    I had to clarify. Because nimwit Pats fans like you do the same thing when made fun of.
    chirp chirp chirp

    Glad I could help you through that difficult process

  20. melonnhead says: Jun 13, 2011 3:12 PM

    2. win more rings in a decade than anyone else.

    ——————————————————

    Cowboys won three in a decade. Win a dozen more playoff games, 2 more Super Bowls, put together a string of 20 consecutive winning seasons, and become one of the top 5 winningest teams in NFL history and the Pats may be onto something. IF they do it without cheating.

  21. melonnhead says: Jun 13, 2011 3:15 PM

    4. Know that even though they all spew their bile and hatred towards “the hoodie” they would all jump for joy if he became their head coach.

    ——————————————————

    Oh yeah, forgot to add that if Belicheat were the Cowboys coach right now, he would be considered no better than the third best coach in Cowboys history.

  22. kindbass says: Jun 13, 2011 3:45 PM

    How to hate on the Pats:

    1. Fall back on cliches
    When in doubt, use the old safe cliches. You love those – ‘Cameras! Waaah!’ ‘They think they’re smarter than everyone! Waaah!’ ‘Tom Brady’s hair! LOLOL!!1′ ‘Belichick is boring! Waaah!’ ’18-1! Herp Derp!’ ‘Rodney Harrison took steroids! ZOMG!!!!1′

    Oh yeah, and remember to use a bunch of asterisks everywhere.

  23. SteveBeans says: Jun 13, 2011 4:09 PM

    puppetmaster says: Jun 13, 2011 3:11 PM

    @steve beans

    I had to clarify. Because nimwit Pats fans like you do the same thing when made fun of.
    chirp chirp chirp
    —————————

    Oh sweet, a clarification of a clarification. Thanks!

  24. august1969 says: Jun 13, 2011 4:30 PM

    I think you are supposed to use (crickets) when trying to do the sound of silence.

    like this:

    lebron is the michael jordan of choking!

    miami heat fans:

    (crickets)

  25. nyninerfan says: Jun 13, 2011 4:36 PM

    patpatriotagain says:
    Jun 13, 2011 2:23 PM
    how to be a patriot.
    1. win more games in a decade than anyone else.

    2. win more rings in a decade than anyone else.

    3. laugh at the whiners who have to make excuses about why your team won more than theirs (waaa, they cheated!!)

    4. Know that even though they all spew their bile and hatred towards “the hoodie” they would all jump for joy if he became their head coach.

    ———————–
    1. Colts have more regular season win a decade.
    2A. Steelers won 4 SB’s in the 70’s
    2B. Niners won 4 SB’s in the 80’s
    2C. Cowboys won 3SB’s in the 90’s
    3. Color it anyway you want. Whether everyone else was doing it or not. They cheated.
    4. I’d be happy if “the hoodie” was my coach.
    3 out of 4 ain’t bad I guess. You really should know what you’re talking about if you’re gonna attempt to talk crap though.

  26. nyninerfan says: Jun 13, 2011 4:38 PM

    *1 out of 4. lol. My bad.

  27. red513 says: Jun 13, 2011 5:23 PM

    To be fair, I watched the program, and Tedy claimed this was his own list he made up from watching Bill talk to the media, not rules that Belichick gave the team on a posterboard or something. And the idea that BB would be upset that Bruschi gave away some secret is absurd. I could have written out that list just from watching Belichick’s press conferences.

  28. axespray says: Jun 15, 2011 4:53 AM

    “That’s something Coach Belichick always said — ‘Don’t worry about anyone else’s situation, on another team or your team,’” Bruschi said.

    ^ Donald Driver and Aaron Rodgers agree with Belichick there.

    patpatriotagain says:
    how to be a patriot.
    win more rings in a decade than anyone else.

    ^ Lombardi’s Packers/Noll’s Steelers/Montana’s 49ers/90’s Cowboys say, “Wass-Up!”

  29. axespray says: Jun 15, 2011 5:01 AM

    patpatriotagain says:
    how to be a patriot.
    1. Leave Week 1 Games early (even if Winning).

    2. Have Your Franchise QB compliment The division Rival’s Fanbase’s Loyalty.

    3. Quit when the Going gets tough in the playoffs

    4. No Show in the playoffs post-spy gate, futher proving everyone’s point that you cheated.

    5. Win a Ton of Regular Season Games with No Name Guys.

    6. Demolish that Loud Mouth New Yorker that everyone hates on MNF (that was awesome), then get beat by that loud mouth foot lover in the playoffs (which makes him talk even more!)

    7. Call Saint’s fans “Fair-Weather”.

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