1. Packers (No. 1; 13-1): Packers fans should be worried, but not panicked. Yet.
2. Patriots (No. 4; 11-3): In order to get more attention after scoring his first touchdown of the season, the receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson will change his name to Ochotebow.
3. Saints (No. 5; 11-3): Records were meant to be broken, Drew, not blasted into a million tiny pieces.
4. 49ers (No. 7; 11-3): Harbaughs 3, Tomlin 0. (I ripped that off from a PFT commenter.)
5. Ravens (No. 2; 10-4): Losing to mediocre teams on the road in the regular season will force the Ravens to eventually lose to a very good team on the road in the postseason.
6. Steelers (No. 3; 10-4): The Road to the Super Bowl will go through Pittsburgh only if the Patriots or the Ravens decide to take Interstate 579 to get to Indianapolis.
7. Falcons (No. 9; 9-5): If the Falcons face another key fourth down in their rematch against the Saints, it’s safe to say they’ll punt.
8. Lions (No. 12; 9-5): As long as Matthew Stafford is willing to throw to Calvin Johnson even when Johnson appears to be covered, the Lions will continue to win.
9. Texans (No. 6; 10-4): By squandering the bye, this team’s first trip to the playoffs could consist of only one game.
10. Broncos (No. 8; 8-6): The Broncos suffered from a case of premature Tebowmania on Sunday.
11. Cowboys (No. 13; 8-6): Just when things look good for this team is precisely when they find a way to screw everything up.
12. Bengals (No. 16; 8-6): The playoffs remain a possibility, but if it means beating the Ravens it ain’t happening.
13. Chargers (No. 17; 7-7): Norv Turner’s family tree undoubtedly includes some Indiana Jones DNA.
14. Chiefs (No. 22; 6-8): So if the Chiefs make it to the playoffs and win the Super Bowl (crazier things have happened), does Todd Haley get a ring?
15. Jets (No. 10; 8-6): If the Jets fail to earn a wild-card berth, it’s hot seat time for pretty much everyone in 2012.
16. Seahawks (No. 19; 7-7): Pete Carroll’s team could be two games better than they were last year and not get to the postseason.
17. Giants (No. 11; 7-7): The Giants apparently believed that their win over the Cowboys clinched a playoff berth.
18. Cardinals (No. 20; 7-7): If they barely miss the playoffs, the Cardinals will be haunted by two or three games they should have won.
19. Raiders (No. 14; 7-7): The Raiders could have gotten to this same point without trading for Carson Palmer.
20. Eagles (No. 25; 6-8): With two wins and a little help, the Dream Team could still have one more chance to underachieve on national TV.
21. Dolphins (No. 21; 5-9): Todd Bowles could have a shot at the permanent job. By default.
22. Panthers (No. 23; 5-9): Before everyone starts making the Panthers a trendy playoff pick for 2012, keep in mind that they share a division with the Saints and the Falcons.
23. Titans (No. 15; 7-7): Annnnnd now we know why no one was taking this team seriously when it had a winning record.
24. Bears (No. 18; 7-7): Sam Hurd’s arrest was a distraction, after all. Unless the Bears planned to lose to the Seahawks by 24 points at home.
25. Bills (No. 24; 5-9): This one is ending even worse than the 2008 free fall from 4-0 to 7-9.
26. Redskins (No. 28; 5-9): The word “inconsistency” contemplates periodically strong performances. A bad one (or two) is looming.
27. Jaguars (No. 26; 4-10): The best thing about the new owner is that his last name can be the basis for so many slogans, starting with “Khan this Freaking Season Just End Already?”
28. Browns (No. 27; 4-10): Seneca Wallace played well enough in Arizona to make the decision to rush a concussed Colt McCoy back onto the field against the Steelers even more bizarre.
29. Buccaneers (No. 26; 4-10): The slide from 10 wins to 10 losses could lead to the ninth coach in franchise history.
30. Vikings (No. 30; 2-12): When guys just don’t seem to be trying, it’s time to consider cleaning house.
31. Rams (No. 31; 2-12): Come January 2, the owner will temporarily be known as Stan Cranky.
32. Colts (No. 32; 1-13): For the same reason that one loss didn’t knock the Packers out of the penthouse, one win won’t be enough to elevate the Colts from the outhouse.