Dear Football Fans,

I remain steadfast in my belief that the New Orleans Saints did in fact seek to pay to ruin the careers of opposing players with a pay for injury system. The defensive coach admits he did wrong and the players who received these payments are just as guilty – they accepted the extra money.

As Commissioner, I have overseen the most aggressive discipline system know to man. Please consider my stellar achievements….

1. The Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys were punished severely for violating the spirit of the rules we set out after the fact. We did not write down these rules but these owners knew that an uncapped year really wasn’t uncapped because I said so. The Mara and Kraft family concur and that is as good as having your arse kissed by God.

2. Our use of fines to punish players who were not fined by our outstanding officials is justifiable. We cannot expect our professional referees to see all the things that we will find arbitrarily offensive after the fact. As Commissioner, I take solace that I can fine anyone for not wearing even the approved male support devices should I so want to conduct a jockstrap check.

3. Our annual boob-cancer pink ribbon, towel, shoe, and other chickification of football is justifiable. As men don’t ever die from gender-specific cancers, we should always stand up for women (except those decked by the Steeler’s QB or ones killed by a Kansas City Chief). And besides, men already watch our sport so why give a damn if there are gender-specific cancers that men might have. Boob cancer month panders to the right crowd.

4. We will be removing the kickoff and all tackles in order to make our sport less mean. After each play our players will shake hands and pat each other on the rear. And to pander to the gays, they’ll also kiss after every touchdown.

5. Look for women to be playing football in the NFL in the next five years. When they enter the sport no one will be able to tackle or hit them (except for the Steeler Quarterback).

We remain committed to making the Saints pay for their egregious behavior and will continue to drag their good name behind our $400k luxury vehicle(s) whenever the time seems appropriate.

Signed,

Chief Good and Plenty, Goodhell
Executive Director and God Figure of the NFL

It’s a joke.

Dude is on the take.

a Marquez/Vilma combo will knock out the Dictator