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If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say no

New York Jets v Miami Dolphins Getty Images

Apparently, Kellen Winslow was in the midst of being flagged for illegal use of the hands, or hand, when he was arrested for synthetic marijuana possession last fall.

According to the arrest report obtained by Dom Cosentino of NJ.com, police were called to the scene in a Target parking lot because a witness told them the Jets tight end was engaged in sexual congress with himself in his vehicle.

In other words, allegedly, he took it out.

The incident report from the East Hanover Police Department said that on Nov. 19, at 5:30 p.m., they responded to a call from a woman who parked next to Winslow’s SUV.

The words of the report might tell this one best:

“As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.”

When the cops showed up, he was wearing black sweatpants, and told them he was just lost and “looking for Boston Market.”

Of course, the synthetic marijuana they found in his car was of more interest to them than two containers of Vaseline.

He wasn’t charged with anything for the incident, though he may never get asked to be a part of the hands team again.

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66 Responses to “If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say no”
  1. trollhammer20 says: Jan 17, 2014 9:53 AM

    So now “going to Boston Market” will become a euphemism for…

  2. njossendal says: Jan 17, 2014 9:53 AM

    Classic Kellen.

  3. pshark5 says: Jan 17, 2014 9:53 AM

    He’s a solja!

  4. vdogg says: Jan 17, 2014 9:54 AM

    Way to make your daddy proud….

  5. sdnative1904 says: Jan 17, 2014 9:55 AM

    Jets! Jets! Jets!

  6. pooflingingmonkey says: Jan 17, 2014 9:57 AM

    “Time for something good!”

  7. mrstinkypants says: Jan 17, 2014 9:58 AM

    This is just wrong in so many ways

  8. onermedboxer says: Jan 17, 2014 9:59 AM

    Kellen Winslow’s career in a microcosm

  9. steelerben says: Jan 17, 2014 10:01 AM

    He isn’t a deviant, he’s just a good soldier that takes pride in his uniform. You need to make sure your helmet is properly polished.

  10. string888 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:02 AM

    Seek help Kellen. Seek help.

  11. GenXJay says: Jan 17, 2014 10:03 AM

    Besides the Holiday hacking, this is one more reason I won’t shop at Target.

  12. geeandpoquito says: Jan 17, 2014 10:03 AM

    What’s with the jets and parked cars? Goodson taking a nap. Winslow enjoying his body. Don’t these dudes have couches???

  13. whatnojets says: Jan 17, 2014 10:06 AM

    Another “mentally challenged” professional athlete!

  14. snowboardinganteater says: Jan 17, 2014 10:07 AM

    LOL!!!….WOW!!!

  15. nickswearsky says: Jan 17, 2014 10:10 AM

    I never get tired of your Seinfeld references. Thanks, as this gave me a good laugh!

  16. scoops1 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:11 AM

    ..And Rex will promote this guy to Captain nxt season

  17. ilovecostcobut says: Jan 17, 2014 10:14 AM

    I always thought his father’s ENDLESS defense of Junior – ad nausea- was not helping. So Mr. Winslow Sr., what you think your boy now?

  18. alldonesmith says: Jan 17, 2014 10:15 AM

    Couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried.

  19. keepounding1234 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:16 AM

    This is why “synthetic” marijuana should be illegal. Depending on how it is made it can mangle your brain.

  20. mp8441 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:23 AM

    he’s gonna probably be charged with “car jacking”

  21. hrmlss says: Jan 17, 2014 10:24 AM

    You can’t make this stuff up, well you could but no one would believe it.

  22. JSpicoli says: Jan 17, 2014 10:27 AM

    At least he handled it better than he did his motorcycle

  23. godofwine330 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:27 AM

    Wow. What was left of his career just went up in synthetic smoke. So much potential, man. So much. I doubt he plays another down in the league again. And you have seen way too many Seinfeld episodes, though I never get tired of the references. lol

  24. grndizzle says: Jan 17, 2014 10:31 AM

    Couldn’t he just do that at his house?

  25. yahmule says: Jan 17, 2014 10:31 AM

    Seriously. The food there isn’t that good.

  26. daveversusshark says: Jan 17, 2014 10:31 AM

    …nothing quite like getting busted with boner in sweatpants.

  27. mcmeen0576 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:34 AM

    but the question remains….is he master of his domain.

  28. piratefreedom says: Jan 17, 2014 10:38 AM

    once your a jet
    your a jet all the way
    from your boston market
    to your cut in pay

  29. big64d says: Jan 17, 2014 10:39 AM

    Hello my name is Kellen Winslow and I ordered the turkey neck to go, thank you….

  30. nyneal says: Jan 17, 2014 10:43 AM

    Seems to me he got there with a stiff problem and was going to leave with the solution in hand.

    Seriously, though — he and Rex Ryan ought to get along fine. Rex can play with his feet while Kellen plays with his meat.

  31. golfsox78 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:44 AM

    Well the Vaseline explains why he can’t catch anything.

  32. wishingtonredslur says: Jan 17, 2014 10:47 AM

    2 jars of Vaseline? The rumors are true.

  33. wisconsinhillfolk says: Jan 17, 2014 10:48 AM

    He should have explained to the officer that he was just “roughing up the suspect”. Surely he could identity with that?

  34. nflofficeadmin says: Jan 17, 2014 10:50 AM

    Pretty embarrassing for Mustache Winslow. His kid has become a real jerk off. No?

  35. all4patriots says: Jan 17, 2014 10:50 AM

    Nobody noticed, but in the car just behind him was Rex playing with his own feet.

    Ladies and gentlemen, your NEW YORK JETS!

  36. vikingdoode says: Jan 17, 2014 10:51 AM

    least its not a Viking doing this….

  37. duece5 says: Jan 17, 2014 10:51 AM

    ……”I’m a soldier!”

  38. mistascatt says: Jan 17, 2014 10:53 AM

    Somebody put this man on christianmingle.com ASAP

  39. 4greatestvikingever says: Jan 17, 2014 10:56 AM

    Hey Favre was a Jet when he texted pics of himself going to Boston Market!

  40. RavenzGunnerz says: Jan 17, 2014 10:57 AM

    Illegal use of hands, offense. no. 81. The player is disqualified.

  41. thedoubleentandres says: Jan 17, 2014 11:01 AM

    Maybe thats why he’s such a terrible pass catcher…everyone knows it makes you go blind

  42. cowpiesnotcowboys says: Jan 17, 2014 11:04 AM

    He was just following the official Cowboys annual workout plan for January.

  43. tv426 says: Jan 17, 2014 11:06 AM

    It’s what soldiers do! He is a soldier!! This is war!!

  44. jimnsota says: Jan 17, 2014 11:12 AM

    Case in point! Anyone that didnt believe getting your helmet beaten repeatedly doesn’t cause problems. Here you go!
    BTW… I suppose we will find out later he was listening to Rocket Man…

  45. officialmiamidolphinsspokesperson says: Jan 17, 2014 11:20 AM

    the picture is the face he made right before the big kaboom

  46. cunninghampeetemcnabbvick says: Jan 17, 2014 11:23 AM

    Synthetic marijuana? That’s only a step above Malcolm X heroin (nutmeg) or Prino (Prison Wine). Congratulations Kellen Winslow Sr., your son is a junkie!

  47. dynaco says: Jan 17, 2014 11:26 AM

    Will the Jets ever learn to stay away from New England’s retreads???

  48. crownofthehelmet says: Jan 17, 2014 11:30 AM

    His one call from jail was made to Marvin Lewis to arrange a tryout.

  49. crownofthehelmet says: Jan 17, 2014 11:32 AM

    Terrel Owens was going to try this same stunt to get back in the headlines, but Winslow beat him to it.

  50. sportsstar4u says: Jan 17, 2014 11:34 AM

    It’s unbelievable how people get caught doing this as a professional athlete.

    You don’t think there are plenty of women “willing” for that reason alone?

  51. the8man says: Jan 17, 2014 11:45 AM

    ..not that there is anything wrong with that…as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.

  52. elliottcovert says: Jan 17, 2014 11:46 AM

    He made it about a million times worse by coming up with a horrible excuse that also makes a hilarious euphemism

  53. pirate472 says: Jan 17, 2014 12:01 PM

    What a jerk……off!

  54. coltswerestolen says: Jan 17, 2014 12:07 PM

    What is it with New York football players shooting themselves in the leg?

  55. TheDPR says: Jan 17, 2014 12:18 PM

    When you’re a professional athlete “going to Boston Market” in your Escalade, you keep your tinted windows CLOSED.

  56. nflcrimerankingscom says: Jan 17, 2014 12:19 PM

    The Jets are tied for second in the Inflammatory Rankings now!

  57. ryann252013 says: Jan 17, 2014 12:45 PM

    What is up with my team and it’s players with their meat out all the time?! LOL

    First Favre, then Mark Sanchez partying with models and then Geno with his mistress.

    Mark and Geno get a free pass because they are young, single and I think anyone would party naked with super models and have a mistress who comes see them.

    But Winslow and Favre..c’mon man.

  58. rajbais says: Jan 17, 2014 1:09 PM

    I guess there’s a new meaning to Chicken Pot Pie.

  59. rexranius says: Jan 17, 2014 1:25 PM

    This is why they can’t show Jets games in the Boston Market.

  60. lightning69 says: Jan 17, 2014 1:38 PM

    I’m sure his agent will say it was a misunderstanding. He told Kellen that a “Boston” team was in the “market” for another “head case” tight end.

    Winslow was studying the playbook by going to the “head shop”. A good “soldier” isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Or slippery.

    BTW…. 2 open containers of vaseline?? Maybe the dude is “gifted” in some areas, but not with brains.

  61. thinkarez says: Jan 17, 2014 4:36 PM

    this dude reminds me of another tight end Aaron Hernandez…just saying these two would probably be two peas in a pod

  62. fdugrad says: Jan 17, 2014 4:47 PM

    More to the point, say “NO” if he offers to bring you something BACK from Boston Market.

  63. rodvmunchiii says: Jan 17, 2014 5:04 PM

    Elaine didn’t go running to the police – plus why was this woman looking into his SUV anyways? An Escalade is pretty far off the ground, what did she do walk to the window and look down?

  64. agc99 says: Jan 17, 2014 9:35 PM

    I hope “going to boston market ” will be added to the urban dictionary! It’s going to be a classic.

  65. oldcracker says: Jan 18, 2014 3:36 AM

    “Carjacking” best line I’ve heard about this.

  66. jacksprat57 says: Jan 20, 2014 3:46 AM

    I must be getting old. Why, it seems as if it was only yesterday that NY Jets football players contented themselves with “merely” flashing unrequested selfies of their diseased members. Oh, for those more innocent times! Who knew? Apparently, cell phones and fax machines are gateway drugs for sexual perverts. What’s next, Rex Ryan unexpectedly reenacting the ritual ablutions at the “Last Supper” with a troop of Brownies?

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