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Jared Lorenzen, fatter than ever, still a quarterback

I had just been thinking about Jared Lorenzen last week at the Super Bowl media events because Lorenzen was the first player I interviewed at the first Super Bowl I covered, Super Bowl XLII, when Lorenzen was a backup to Eli Manning on the Giants. Then I got home from the Super Bowl late Monday night and discovered that the Internet was blowing up with pictures of Lorenzen, who himself has blown up.

Lorenzen has always been a portly fellow, and he was always good-natured about his weight. But now that Lorenzen has gone from playing in the NFL to playing for the North Kentucky River Monsters of the Continental Indoor Football League, he’s really let himself go. He’s listed at 6-foot-4 and 320 pounds, but he looks heavier than that.

The River Monsters opened their season on Monday night with a victory, and Lorenzen led the way: He completed 23 of 37 passes for 183 yards and three touchdowns, and he also ran for a one-yard touchdown. (Yes, of course his rushing touchdown was for one yard. Does this look like a man who could run more than one yard?)

Actually, Lorenzen can move a little, as this highlight shows. Even with the body of a defensive tackle, Lorenzen remains elusive enough to make plays. At least in the Continental Indoor Football League.

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46 Responses to “Jared Lorenzen, fatter than ever, still a quarterback”
  1. tenotnamedmiller says: Feb 4, 2014 10:16 AM

    His body fat is down to 96%

  2. scoops1 says: Feb 4, 2014 10:16 AM

    big fan of the Hefty Lefty

  3. marvsleezy says: Feb 4, 2014 10:17 AM

    If this man had a job starting in the NFL at QB the world would be better place!

  4. bucrightoff says: Feb 4, 2014 10:18 AM


  5. dhragonn says: Feb 4, 2014 10:20 AM

    Pilsbury throwboy!

  6. bostontim says: Feb 4, 2014 10:21 AM

    Holy Carp! It’s Moby Jared!

    Cheers, BostonTim

  7. arwiv says: Feb 4, 2014 10:22 AM

    I think they named the team he plays for after him. I cant believe how big he got.

  8. tennesseeoilers says: Feb 4, 2014 10:22 AM

    Brings new meaning to the term “pocket passer.”

  9. drunkinsconnie says: Feb 4, 2014 10:26 AM

    Vikings should sign him. He might be fat, but I bet he could avoid sacks better than Pondexter.

  10. kd75 says: Feb 4, 2014 10:27 AM

    He moves like he just ate Russel Wilson.

  11. fishfiletkray says: Feb 4, 2014 10:33 AM

    He looks like Billy Bob.

  12. whodey1982 says: Feb 4, 2014 10:35 AM

    Who cares if he’s big? The dude can still sling it, and is impossible to sack! Honestly, if more QBs in the NFL were built like him the league wouldn’t have had to rewrite the entire rule book to protect them. Go Pillsbury Throwbow!

  13. realfootballfan says: Feb 4, 2014 10:35 AM

    Jamarcus Russell is saying, “See, I’m not the only one.”

  14. greytchase says: Feb 4, 2014 10:39 AM

    The CIFL in which the River Monsters play, is owned by former Raider/Lion Stu Schweigert. Stu also owns the Saginaw Sting (both are owned with partners.)

  15. g2-565cfd5c11a869191e3803cf365dd100 says: Feb 4, 2014 10:39 AM

    His old nickname was Battleship. I guess it should be Carrier now.

  16. staffordsyear says: Feb 4, 2014 10:47 AM

    I would pay top dollar to watch this elephant sling the ball.

  17. justintuckrule says: Feb 4, 2014 10:47 AM

    I’d still take him over Tebow if I had to.

  18. stoolerz says: Feb 4, 2014 10:52 AM

    The dude loves life, just the way it is. God bless him.

  19. chad504boy says: Feb 4, 2014 10:53 AM

    He’s a combination of Russel Wilson and Rob Ryan. He’s got a better arm than half the future hall of fame qb’s in the league currently. Chip Kelly would like to revolutionize the pulling guard thrower of the football position.

  20. leftlaneisforpassingonly says: Feb 4, 2014 10:59 AM

    He can’t possibly go a whole game without needing to eat a meal. I can see him calling a timeout during the game just to eat a snack.

  21. chinahand11 says: Feb 4, 2014 11:01 AM

    I would love to see him in the NFL, sprinting around the end after getting flushed from the pocket, lumbering down the field, stomping over some poor CB. Go Lorenzen~!

  22. deflateddome says: Feb 4, 2014 11:05 AM

    He would be a great pick up for a team that needs a QB and a nose tackle…

  23. citizenstrange says: Feb 4, 2014 11:14 AM

    Until I noticed the 22 I thought it was Roethlisberger in one of those crazy Steeler throwback unis.

  24. rajbais says: Feb 4, 2014 11:21 AM

    What’s the point of being that big when you can’t even bench press 15 times?

    I read that his bench rep total was 13, no joke. In addition, I read a playing weakness of his was arm strength.

    And yet he chooses to be big?

    He’ll be 400-450 lbs after he stops playing.

  25. eatitfanboy says: Feb 4, 2014 11:40 AM

    Yes, he can run for much more than one yard.

    The Broncos could have used a QB with his mobility on Sunday.

  26. eatitfanboy says: Feb 4, 2014 11:41 AM

    leftlaneisforpassingonly says:
    Feb 4, 2014 10:59 AM
    He can’t possibly go a whole game without needing to eat a meal. I can see him calling a timeout during the game just to eat a snack.

    There is a picture on an article I found that shows him sharing nachos with a fan during the game. No lie.

  27. joetoronto says: Feb 4, 2014 11:59 AM

    I find it disgusting that he cherishes overeating more than his career.

    But that’s just my opinion.

  28. shayeezy says: Feb 4, 2014 11:59 AM

    this guy was fun to watch.

  29. elliottcovert says: Feb 4, 2014 12:08 PM

    Lorenzen is one of my personal favorites because his weight problems have led to some of the greatest nicknames in the history of football. A few come to mind:

    The Hefty Lefty
    The Round Mound of Touchdown
    The Pillsbury Throwboy
    J. Load
    Quarter Got Back
    He Ate Me

  30. Denver Geldings - Getting blown out in the SuperBowl since 1960 says: Feb 4, 2014 12:12 PM

    How big are each of those numbers on the front of ther shirt??? It has to be scaled up from the regular numbers. Otherwise it would look like he was wearing one of those womens jerseys with the small numbers. He might need to add a 3rd 2 and go with 222 next season

  31. Carl Gerbschmidt says: Feb 4, 2014 12:16 PM

    He could contribute immediately for the Minnesota Vikings. At the QB position.

  32. simonwelds says: Feb 4, 2014 12:28 PM

    Put him in the wildcat offense

  33. djshnooks says: Feb 4, 2014 12:33 PM

    He’s not sharing nachos with a fan…the hot blond is his WIFE!!! No joke.

  34. jgedgar70 says: Feb 4, 2014 12:33 PM

    As a man who carries far too much weight, I’m glad I have Jared Lorenzen around so I can feel less bad about myself.

    On the other hand, I have visions of Lorenzen running around left tackle and seeing only Captain Munnerlyn between himself and the end zone. I’m guessing Munneryn would pull a Bo Jackson and turn and run into the tunnel. And keep running until he got back to the South Carolina campus.

  35. thegreatgabbert says: Feb 4, 2014 1:58 PM

    Jar a lard Lorenzen.

  36. thealmightybigblue says: Feb 4, 2014 2:34 PM

    Still better than Curtis painter.

  37. wegonefunkwichamind says: Feb 4, 2014 2:44 PM

    I remember watching him tuck it and run a few times in preseason when he was on the Giants. That was awesome enough, when he was listed at 280 I believe. I’d love to watch him do the same now.

  38. tlow97 says: Feb 4, 2014 3:31 PM

    He’d start for the Vikings.

  39. kev86 says: Feb 4, 2014 4:03 PM


    Would love to see a corner blitz.

  40. seattlelibtard says: Feb 4, 2014 4:26 PM

    I wonder how many tanks of oxygen he goes through during a game. He has to be gassed after marching down the field.
    Sideline routine: Suck off oxygen, take bite of bacon cheesburger, oxygen, burger, oxygen, swig of diet coke.

  41. andyisfat says: Feb 4, 2014 5:30 PM

    He ballooned up nicely.

  42. cometkazie says: Feb 4, 2014 5:38 PM

    A great thread!

    Thanks, all!

  43. stunzeed5 says: Feb 4, 2014 5:53 PM

    I think him and Colt Brennan are the “stars” of that league…

  44. vicvinegar00 says: Feb 4, 2014 6:35 PM

    Someone needs to sign JaMarcus Russell so they can go head to head.

  45. raiderapologist says: Feb 4, 2014 9:40 PM

    If Tebow could move like that, he wouldn’t be begging for a job.

  46. blackbeard43 says: Feb 5, 2014 1:21 AM

    River Monsters

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