1. Seattle Seahawks (No. 1 last week; 1-1): They lost in San Diego. I guess that means they now suck. And they’ll suck just enough to win the Super Bowl again.
2. Denver Broncos (No. 2; 2-0): With the No. 1 team on the docket for Week Three, the opportunity is there to not lose by 35 points.
3. New England Patriots (No. 4; 1-1): Cries of “the Pats are done” became “the Pats done kicked Minnesota’s ass” on Sunday.
4. Green Bay Packers (No. 3; 1-1): They lose a spot for flirting for too long with a lesser team, but the Packers are still a top-five franchise.
5. Cincinnati Bengals (No. 6; 2-0): Maybe when James Harrison said “ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun,” he was referring to the Bengals turning tables in the AFC North.
6. Carolina Panthers (No. 9; 2-0): In a year when everyone thought they’d fade, the Panthers apparently are tightening their grip on the NFC South.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (No. 11; 2-0): Undefeated despite playing at an average level at best, if this team ever finds the gas pedal, they could be the biggest threat to a Seattle repeat.
8. Arizona Cardinals (No. 12; 2-0): It’s hard to remember this team is 2-0, probably because they should have lost both of their games.
9. San Francisco 49ers (No. 5; 1-1): Who’s got it better than us? Anyone who opened a brand new stadium by winning the first game there.
10. Baltimore Ravens (No. 14; 1-1): The Ravens took refuge last week in football. The Steelers wish they hadn’t.
11. New Orleans Saints (No. 7; 0-2): Does anyone really think this team won’t have a seat at the postseason table?
12. San Diego Chargers (No. 17; 1-1): For those who say the Chargers created the recipe for beating the Seahawks, it helps to have access to ingredients like Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates, and Keenan Allen.
13. Chicago Bears (No. 19; 1-1): The Bears provide Exhibit A for the idea that no one really knows what’s going to happen in any given game, in any given week.
14. Atlanta Falcons (No. 10; 1-1): Who scored more points this week, Roddy White’s fantasy team or his reality team?
15. Indianapolis Colts (No. 8; 0-2): The AFC South is the Colts’ division to lose. And they are.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (No. 13; 1-1): Mike Tomlin needed to trip a bunch of guys other than Jacoby Jones for the Steelers to have a chance in Baltimore last Thursday.
17. Detroit Lions (No. 15; 1-1): Apparently, Donkey Kong Suh couldn’t get his flaming barrels through airport security.
18. Buffalo Bills (No. 26; 2-0): The organization’s best week since January 1994 could become the best two weeks since January 1994.
19. Houston Texans (No. 24; 2-0): Beating a mediocre franchise quarterback one week and a worse-than-mediocre franchise the next hardly means the Texans have fixed all their problems.
20. New York Jets (No. 16; 1-1): An ill-timed timeout has helped obscure the fact that the Jets blew a huge lead.
21. Cleveland Browns (No. 31; 1-1): If this team is still in the hunt after Josh Gordon comes back, things could get very interesting in December.
22. Washington (No. 25; 1-1): With a defense capable of generating 10 sacks, maybe Joe Theismann could play quarterback for this team and win.
23. Dallas Cowboys (No. 27; 1-1): After years of saying they’ll run the ball more, they finally did. Maybe they should keep doing that.
24. Miami Dolphins (No. 20; 1-1): Another win over the Patriots chased by another 19-point loss to the Bills.
25. St. Louis Rams (No. 28; 1-1): Just think of how good this team could be if it had a quarterback.
27. Minnesota Vikings (No. 18; 1-1): For a franchise that has provided its fans with 50-plus years of disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, and heartbreak, Monday was the lowest point yet.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (No. 22; 0-2): “At least we’re not the Raiders” may be the best they can say this year.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (No. 29; 0-2): “At least Greg Schiano’s not the coach” may be the best they can say this year.
30. New York Giants (No. 23; 0-2): Seven years ago, the Giants reversed an 0-2 start with a Super Bowl win. Seven years ago, the Giants had a lot more talent.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (No. 30; 0-2): Maybe Blake Bortles isn’t playing because they’re concerned the bubble wrap would screw up his throwing motion.
32. Oakland Raiders (No. 32; 0-2): The Raiders aren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. Somehow, they’re worse.