1. Broncos (1-0; last week No. 1): How many wins will it take for all of the fans to start spelling and/or pronouncing the quarterback’s name properly?
2. Patriots (1-0; No. 3): If Jimmy G. keeps playing like #Tommy, how long will it be until the head coach is taking J.C.’s name in vain at a press conference, again?
3. Panthers (0-1; No. 2): Based on last week, Cam Newton may not be able to play long enough to ever be old enough to get the calls he still isn’t getting.
4. Seahawks (1-0; No. 4): It sure looked like they missed Marshawn Lynch on Sunday, victory notwithstanding.
5. Steelers (1-0; No. 6): The Steel Curtain has been melted down and transformed into a Ginsu Knife.
6. Cardinals (0-1; No. 5): They could have won it late, but if the Cardinals are truly a Super Bowl contender it shouldn’t have been close.
7. Packers (1-0; No. 7): They should add the “Aaron Rodgers throws while being pulled down from behind” play to the Hail Mary as part of the standard offense.
8. Bengals (1-0; No. 8): Stealing a road win against a playoff-caliber team is the kind of thing that will help the Bengals get back to the playoffs a sixth straight time.
9. Chiefs (1-0; No. 10): Like last year, they won in Week One. The next challenge is to avoid five straight losses for the second straight season.
10. Vikings (1-0; No. 11): If the defense can score two touchdowns every week, the Vikings will be just fine without Teddy Bridgewater.
11. Raiders (1-0; No. 12): One-Eyed Jack Del Rio is the perfect coach for a team whose logo wears an eyepatch.
12. Texans (1-0; No. 13): They already have a one-game lead over the rest of the division, and they may never relinquish it.
13. Ravens (1-0; No. 16): With a 13-7 win, Baltimore remains largely off the radar. And that’s exactly how they like it.
15. Buccaneers (1-0): The nationwide shrugs of the shoulders regarding the win over the Falcons in Atlanta will yield to another bodily activity starting with “sh” if the Bucs beat the Cardinals in Arizona.
16. Giants (1-0; No. 27): The Giants should just buy the naming rights to AT&T Stadium.
17. Cowboys (0-1; No. 14): The good news is that Dak Prescott won’t miss any film-room time this week because he’s sitting for a bronze bust.
18. Jaguars (0-1; No. 18): Opportunity lost is better than opportunity non-existent, I suppose.
19. Dolphins (0-1; No. 19): See No. 18.
20. Jets (0-1; No. 17): See No. 19.
21. Lions (1-0; No. 23): If Calvin Johnson hadn’t retired, he possibly would have generated 300 receiving yards against the Colts.
22. 49ers (1-0; No. 28): For the second straight year, the 49ers chalked up a big win at home in prime time over a playoff contender. Here’s hoping the rest of 2015 doesn’t get duplicated.
23. Saints (0-1; No. 22): Only four times has a team lost by giving up a two-point conversion in the final minute of a regular-season game. The Saints have done it twice, both times at home.
24. Colts (0-1; No. 15): If they couldn’t put a good team around Andrew Luck when he was playing under his rookie deal, how will they do it now that he’s the highest-paid player in the game?
25. Falcons (0-1; No. 24): So far, the Pete Carroll coaching tree is looking the twig under which Charlie Brown puts his Christmas presents.
26. Eagles (1-0; No. 31): A win is a win is a win, even when the win comes against a team that some think should be relegated to the CFL.
27. Bears (0-1; No. 25): With the Eagles coming back to town for a Monday night game, some fans may be hoping for a return of the fog, for reasons other than nostalgia.
28. Titans (0-1; No. 26): It’s hard to harmonize “exotic smash mouth” running with “close your eyes and hope for the best” quarterbacking.
29. Bills (0-1; No. 29): The Sammy-Watkins-foot-is-bothering-him-unless-it-isn’t routine sums up the current state of the franchise perfectly.
30. Chargers (0-1; No. 30): Somehow, this is all Joey Bosa’s fault, right?
31. Rams (0-1; No. 21): Jeff Fisher didn’t want to be 7-9 again. He likely won’t be, but not in the way he had hoped.
32. Browns (0-1; No. 32): If you had Week One in the RGIII injury sweepstakes, enjoy the fruits of your even-money wager.