1. Patriots (12-2; last week No. 1): The defense may not be as bad as believed, but it still needs plenty of work.
2. Cowboys (12-2; No. 3): “We need to bench Dak Prescott” once again yields to “we need to rest Dak Prescott.”
3. Giants (10-4; No. 4): It’ll be time to apply an asterisk to Super Bowl XLII if it turns out someone was shouting “throw it to Tyree!” into a walkie-talkie.
4. Raiders (11-3; No. 5): Based on Sunday’s crowd, maybe the Raiders should be moving to San Diego.
5. Chiefs (10-4; No. 2): As it stands, the Chiefs could be getting a chance to lose to the Titans again in the wild-card round.
6. Seahawks (9-4-1; No. 8): “Poopfest” accurately describes the involuntarily bodily reaction from punter Jon Ryan once the ball started to slip from his grasp during his run.
7. Lions (9-5; No. 6): The Lions fans who were shouting down a likely Week 17 NFC North title game have suddenly gotten very quiet.
8. Falcons (9-5; No. 10): Matt Ryan is on the fairly short list of MVP candidates, even as the Falcons are on the fairly long list of teams that aren’t viewed as legitimate Super Bowl candidates.
9. Steelers (9-5; No. 11): All I want for Christmas is to see Mike Tomlin trip a Ravens player during a kickoff return.
10. Dolphins (9-5; No. 12): The Broncos didn’t want Adam Gase to coach the team, and in his first year as a head coach he may keep the Broncos out of the playoffs.
11. Titans (8-6; No. 17): They’re the best team people go out of their way to not pay attention to.
12. Buccaneers (8-6; No. 7): As poorly as Sunday night went, the Bucs still had a chance to win the game.
13. Broncos (8-6; No. 9): That “sub-optimal, near replacement-level” quarterbacking from 2015 is suddenly looking pretty good.
14. Packers (8-6; No. 13): Before Week One, I picked the Packers to make it to the Super Bowl. I’m suddenly feeling a lot better about that.
15. Ravens (8-6; No. 15): Before Week One, I picked the Ravens to make it to the Super Bowl. I’ve been feeling ambivalent about that for most of the year.
16. Texans (8-6; No. 16): So who’s the next quarterback the Texans will give a big pile of money to without even meeting?
17. Washington (7-6-1; No. 14): “How you like me now?” Not too much.
18. Colts (7-7; No. 20): Sunday’s win over the Vikings is the kind of win that Jim Irsay envisioned when drafting Andrew Luck and hiring Ryan Grigson and Chuck Pagano.
19. Vikings (7-7; No. 18): Sunday’s loss to the Colts is the last thing the organization envisioned. Ever.
20. Bills (7-7; No. 19): Rex Ryan is the only person in Western New York who doesn’t know he’s getting fired.
21. Panthers (6-8; No. 24): Happy Holidays, Josh Norman.
22. Saints (6-8; No. 26): It took a while, but the annual “Sean Payton may be leaving” story finally arrived.
23. Bengals (5-8-1; No. 21): The Steelers continue to treat the Bengals like an orange-headed stepchild.
24. Cardinals (5-8-1; No. 22): Carson Palmer should quit on the Cardinals before the Cardinals quit on Carson Palmer.
25. Eagles (5-9; No. 23): “Hey, we’ve won four more games that Chip Kelly.”
26. Chargers (5-9; No. 25): Stay classy, San Diego security guard.
27. Jets (4-10; No. 27): Maybe Woody Johnson and Rex Ryan will become the new George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin.
28. Rams (4-10; No. 28): Jeff Fisher wants to coach against the Rams. The Rams also want that to happen please.
29. Bears (3-11; No. 29): How many moral victories does it take to qualify for the moral playoffs?
30. Jaguars (2-12; No. 30): It would be a good idea for players to get used to showing up at least five minutes early for meetings.
31. 49ers (1-13; No. 31): It would be a good idea for players to get used to fans not showing up for games.
32. Browns (0-14; No. 32): As it turns out, Hue Jackson’s challenge flag was in Jeff Fisher’s coat.