1. Raiders (2-0; previously No. 2): Marshawn should polish up on his breakdancing because it feels like 1983 all over again the Raiders.
2. Chiefs (2-0; No. 3): If Spencer Ware hadn’t gotten injured, the Chiefs may not be undefeated.
3. Patriots (1-1; No. 5): Nice.
4. Falcons (2-0; No. 7): When the opponent is on the ropes, the Falcons need to learn how to punch them through.
5. Steelers (2-0; No. 8): Take away Bell, Brown gets you. Take away both, Bryant gets you.
6. Packers (1-1; No. 1): Take away Rodgers, and the Packers wouldn’t win a game.
7. Lions (2-0; No. 9): There’s a chance the Lions are great. There’s also a chance they simply have beaten two opposite-of-great teams.
8. Broncos (2-0; No. 15): The good news is they may have found a franchise quarterback in round seven. The bad news is they may have pissed away a first-round pick on a potential franchise quarterback.
9. Seahawks (1-1; No. 6): The Seahawks tend to get better as the season progresses. This year they definitely need to.
10. Cowboys (1-1; No. 4): Ezekiel Elliott‘s suspension didn’t start last week. It just seems that way.
11. Dolphins (1-0; No. 12): Cigarettes for everyone.
12. Ravens (2-0; No. 13): They should just have the defensive players play both ways.
13. Buccaneers (1-0; No. 16): The Bucs may not just be the second-best team in the division; they may be the second-best team in the NFC.
14. Panthers (2-0; No. 17): Cam Newton may be OK for now, but behind that offensive line he won’t be OK for long.
15. Titans (1-1; No. 19): From 2-4 in the AFC South a year ago to 1-0 this year; performance in the division will be the key to Tennessee’s season.
16. Eagles (1-1; No. 10): They’ve got a chance to make it a two-team race in the NFC East, if they can manhandle the Giants.
17. Vikings (1-1; No. 14): An old-school NFC Central fight with the Bucs could go a long way toward revealing whether the Vikings are for real.
18. Texans (1-1; No. 28): Better late than never — and just in time for the Patriots — Deshaun Watson is the guy.
19. Rams (1-1; No. 18): The annual RGIII bowl was about as inspiring as it ever is.
20. Jaguars (1-1; No. 11): They are you we thought they were.
21. Washington (1-1; No. 25): They’ve pulled the ultimate “psych!” move on Su’a.
22. Bills (1-1; No. 20): Sean McDermott will keep telling us Tyrod Taylor is the quarterback until the precise moment McDermott decides Taylor isn’t.
23. Cardinals (1-1; No. 21): Bruce Arians has finally figured out what many already knew about this team — the quarterback is often more of a liability than an asset.
24. Chargers (0-2; No. 22): Two games behind a three-way cluster at the top of the division, the Chargers’ season feels over when it’s barely begun.
25. Giants (0-2; No. 24): Brylcreem Ben McAdoo can feel the season slip-sliding away.
26. Saints (0-2; No. 26): Adrian Peterson didn’t sign up for 0-2, either.
27. Bears (0-2; No. 23): Two games left, at most, before Mitchell Trubisky makes his debut.
28. Browns (0-2; No. 27): The fact that the Browns are favored on the road tells you everything you need to know about the current state of the NFL.
29. Bengals (0-2; No. 29): Andy Dalton has the full support of the coaching staff. Until he doesn’t.
30. Jets (0-2; No. 30): Their pursuit of Sam Darnold has been complicated by the presence of other unexpectedly crappy teams.
31. 49ers (0-2; No. 31): Tune in for Thursday Night Traffic Problems.
32. Colts (0-2; No. 32): “Taking the Cardinals to overtime” may be the only banner fodder they have this year; “home ‘dogs against the Browns” definitely won’t make the cut.