DREW MAGARY’S ESSENTIAL TURD FAQ: A PRIMER FOR NEW NFL HEAD COACHES

[Editor’s note: Drew Magary of Kissing Suzy Kolber and Deadspin has given us this free column in exchange for the free publicity that we’re giving his new book. So, basically, we’re both whores.] I’m a life coach for professional athletes by trade. I even wrote a book about it recently, which the editor of this site happily agreed to let me pimp out to you. (Buy it on Amazon! And get lots of Sprint phones too!) I’m qualified to give out advice to athletes for a variety of reasons. Sure, I never was a pro athlete myself. But I spent over 30 years IMAGINING myself as one. And really, isn’t that just as valuable an asset? I say yes. No one quite understands the mindset of the pro athlete as I do. Like many pro athletes, I’m terribly immature, and I pout when things don’t go my way, and I don’t like taking or having responsibility of any kind. Also, I like sex. Man, do I ever like sex. It makes me feel like I’m shooting a really big gun at someone. So I know where athletes are coming from. And that’s why I was so dismayed to see a coach like Mike Singletary – a ROOKIE coach, mind you – publicly assailing one of his players in a press conference. Clearly, Mike Singletary doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a pro athlete. I bet that jerk never even PLAYED the game, like I did in a daydream once. What a loser.If Mike Singletary had any sense of history, he would know that things never turn out that well for NFL coaches who decide to throw a public tirade. Ask Denny “Crown Their Asses” Green. Or Jim “Diddly Poo” Mora. Or Rich “I’m a horrible coach and I’m probably bagging groceries in Piscataway now” Kotite. Openly throwing your players under the bus after a game, however justified one may be in doing so, is never an effective strategy for NFL head coaches. Why? Because players are TURDS. And anyone who thinks you can get a turd to play by openly questioning his commitment is dumber than your average Alaskan governor.That’s why I’ve decided to put down my player advisor hat for today and take on the role of coach advisor, or “coach coach.” Are you a coach like Mike Singletary or Jim Zorn, prone to public outbursts? Do you feel like your team may be slipping away from you? Are you secretly terrified of being exposed for the glaring fraud you know deep down that you really are? Never fear. For not only have I imagined myself as a successful player many times in my life, but I have also envisioned myself as a Super Bowl winning COACH as well. I’ve won enough games to make Don Shula spit out his dentures. And now I’m here to help you weed out potential turds and deal with them through this handy FAQ. Be sure to thank me when you hoist your eighth Lombardi Trophy, as I imagined myself doing the just the other week. Q: WHAT IS A TURD? A turd is a player who is sullen, uncooperative, lazy, greedy, selfish, and prone to violent outbursts. Oh, and repped by Drew Rosenhaus. Q: WHY SHOULDN’T I DRESS DOWN MY TURD PLAYER TO THE MEDIA? Because all you’re doing is making them defensive. Like when I accidentally scrape the wall in my house and my wife gives me that look and I’m all like DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK, WOMAN! I ALREADY KNOW I SCREWED UP AND I FEEL BAD, OKAY? STOP JUDGING ME, DAMMIT!!!! A turd player like Vernon Davis will never react positively to a public bashing. All it will do is make him think YOU’RE the one with the big ego, a guy who can only get his rocks off by belittling others out in the open. And I must say, the turd does have a bit of a point there. Q: CAN I CUT MY TURD? No, because your turd was a first-round pick, with a signing bonus that likely occupies 7-8% of your team’s cap space. Your team invested a lot of money in that jagoff. How do you think he got to be such a turd to begin with? Q: SO HOW SHOULD I HANDLE MY TURD? Think of your turd player as a real turd. You’d never let one of your real turds out in public, would you? Of course not. They only do that sort of thing in Sri Lanka. Turds must be dealt with discreetly. Like this one time, I was in a bathroom at an offsite, and I ran out of toilet paper. And the toilet was clogged. And all that was left were paper towels. So I used the paper towels and threw them in the garbage can, only the garbage can was very full, so my soiled paper towels were just sort of poking out of the flap. But I just left them there and strolled out as if I hadn’t just perpetrated a crime upon humanity. That’s exactly how you have to deal with an ass like Vernon Davis. Q: CAN I EVER GET MY TURD TO BE PRODUCTIVE? Yes. In the case of someone like Randy Moss, all you have to do is surround him with a Hall of Fame QB, a Hall of Fame coach, a complimentary receiver to draw away double teams, an owner willing to bend over backwards to provide players with any amenity they require, a father figure he never had as a child, and that rare sort of team chemistry that only happens once in a generation for a team. Shouldn’t be that hard. Remember: turd players aren’t some anomaly you can simply do away with. And the sooner you learn that, the better. Great coaches don’t get rid of turds. Great coaches fool turds into giving them just one decent season in their contract year, before letting them go and destroy some other team in free agency. They certainly don’t keep them around, as noted turd-retainer Marvin Lewis enjoys doing. Mike Singletary says he wants winners. Well, guess what, Mikey? SO DOES EVERY OTHER TEAM. If you coach in the NFL, you’re gonna have a loser or twelve on your roster. The real question isn’t if you can flush those turds away. No, the real question is: You gonna squeeze everything you can out of that turd? Hope you eat lots of fiber.