$20 gas in Chicago

Your eyes are not deceiving you.

In Chicago, gas now costs $20.

Yes, it’s true.

If a Bears player farts in the film room, the price is $20.

So says Bears defensive tackle Anthony Adams in a blog for the Chicago Tribune.

The farting fine is one of various penalties the players impose on each other. 

But Adams, who weighs 307 pounds, is sufficiently nimble to avoid getting in trouble.  “I don’t get fines for farting,” Adams writes.  “I leave outside the meeting room and do my dirt.”  (The Tribune actually removed the “F” word and replaced it with “passing gas.”  What a bunch of pussies cowards.)

So who’s the worst offender when it comes to farting? 

“Mark Anderson might be the worst farter ever,” Adams writes.  “He takes these protein shakes, so he smells like little babies do.”

So be advised, Chicagoans.  If you’re in a line behind Mark Anderson, it might be a good idea to pull the collar of your shirt up over your nose.

And if you’re in a line behind Anthony Adams, be prepared to get out of the way.

29 responses to “$20 gas in Chicago

  1. Really Florio, Really?
    Wow, even during the season you waste time and space with this crap (pun intended)
    Please Mike enough with the frivilous posts, or at least seperate the shite from the shinola.

  2. Have you ever been licking a girls butt and she farts on your tounge? Man, it feels like a caterpillar walking across it.

  3. I disciplined one of my staff for this also. I swear this guy was hiding Saddam’s missing wmd’s up his ass.

  4. @Patches O’Houlahan
    The answer is never! Nothing like a fart to break the serious nature of a meeting.
    Slapnuts funny!

  5. When I played high school ball I will NEVER forget the center ripping a huge fart on the QB’s hand before the snap during practice one day. The whole freaking O-line fell to ground laughing for 2 minutes.

  6. I record my farts on my phone and then email them out to my friends. The best ones are what I call “morning wind” 5 am and I wake the neighbors.

  7. I also am involved in a yearly contest entitled “BT09” which stands for BigTurd ’09. The contest is simple and if anyone wants to become involved simply send a email to cubsrul@hotmail.com for more info. Basically what you do is you take a dump and then use your phone to photo the dump if you feel it is worthy of consideration for the biggest turd of the year. Email the photo to cubsrul@hotmail.com with your name and at the end of the year our panel of judges awards the traveling trophy and cash prize to that years winner. I recommend that you take the photo of your shit before you wipe so we can see proper proportion with the toilet bowl. TP makes it tough.

  8. Why is it when somebody farts, and they say man that stinks, you have to smell it to make sure? Why can’t we just take their word for it?

  9. KaiserSoze says:
    September 25, 2009 8:28 AM
    Gives a whole new meaning to Windy City…
    Man, KaiserSoze stays coming strong! QBOTF vote right here!

  10. “…Supersuckers says: September 25, 2009 10:23 AM
    Email the photo to cubsrul@hotmail.com…”
    Obviously you have a real axe to grind with whomever’s e-mail address that is then, huh Vox?
    Nice new name btw…

  11. Credit the Chicago Tribune for their quality journalism. No wonder they’re in bankruptcy.
    Supersuckers…thanks for the opportunity to email pictures of my turds. You put the a$$ in class, buddy.

  12. Super,
    Have you given any thought to the best design for a bowl blaster type of crap? I mean if you could see like a guy riding a horse in the picture of it? Just a thought for us guys that don’t always take a solid crap. Thanks for considering it.

  13. I’ll have to run that one behind the panel. See, the problem with that type of contest is the blast can be easily manipulated to look like something you mentioned. One could use a pen or their own finger for that matter to move the diarrhea around to get a desired design. I will run it past the judges panel anyway.

  14. Super:
    So what’s to stop someone from using multiple turds for the BT09?
    I know from past experience (don’t ask) that several turds can be manipulated to look like 1 giant turd. It’s dicey to do, because, as we all know, turds aren’t very firm.
    I’ll tell you the story, One of my friends called a bunch of us over to show us his giant turd.
    He wanted to call Guiness, because he thought he might have a record. Come to find out later on, he had saved an earlier turd and then added another one onto it. It looked real, but he had it placed against the bowl just so…
    I happened to breathe heavy on it and it just floated away.
    I want to take the time to thank you for allowing me a cahnce to tell that story.

  15. Well we at BT09 are very careful in determining which turds are real and which are fraudulent. the photos come from cell phones which in 99 percent of the cases the jpeg file allows for the enlarging of the photo for the purpose of determining if there are any kinks in the hose so to speak. We’ve mastered this over the years. It’s very difficult to cheat. Has to be one solid turd. No drifters or double tapered shits. Blowing up a jpeg file of a giant turd to 2000 percent rectifies (no pun intended) the situation

  16. Super,
    A few more questions. Does it matter if they are sinkers or floaters? Or are there seperate categories for each type of turd.
    Do you get extra points for color? I mean if I could finagle a two tone turd in say close proximity to a Bengals helmet, would I get more points for that? Does corn score you more?
    If your turd looks like say a lower case j without the dot on top, does that score you more?
    I’m glad you folks at Bt09 are so serious about this shit. It makes a guy sleep better at night knowing that there aren’t crappy people running this thing.
    So, please, let me know what the poop is on the questions I asked. Thanks!

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