We had no intention of watching the ESPYs tonight, but then we realized something.
Nothing else is on.
And it’s actually not bad, so far. Host Seth Myers’ monologue essentially amounted to an extended version of Weekend Update while standing, with a couple of shots at Vikings quarterback Brett Favre (he didn’t appear to be amused), and the following slap at Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, which frankly shouldn’t have drawn laughter from Tim if he’s as passionate about his religious convictions as he claims: “Tim’s jersey is already one of the top selling jerseys in the NFL. I heard that and thought, ‘Jesus, who does this guy know? Oh right, Jesus.’”
(We’re aware of no joke exception to the whole “thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain” thing. If there is one, let us know. We’ve been leaving a lot of potential material on the shelf.)
Then, the first made-up award of the night was awarded, for Best Breakthrough Player. The winner? Titans running back Chris Johnson.
“You know, it’s an honor to me,” Johnson said after winning the award. “First of all, I want to thank God, most of all. Without Him it wouldn’t be possible. I want to thank all the fans who voted for me, I want to thank all my friends and family. I want to thank Ustream and I want to thank Twitter most of all. And if you got a Twitter, follow me at ChrisJohnson28.”
It didn’t exactly conjure memories of Jack Palance or Cuba Gooding, but they also didn’t have a grill in their mouths.