1. Texans (five first-place votes): Like the SI jinx and the Madden curse, being at the top of this poll has led to three losses (Packers, Patriots, 49ers) in three weeks.
2. Ravens: The field goal was good. The team is very good.
3. Falcons: They still won’t be taken seriously until they win a game in January. This year, they could win a game in February, too.
4. 49ers: Randy Moss needs to change his trademark saying to “I play when they want me to play.”
5. Giants: Every team says “next man up.” Few teams have the depth to pull it off.
6. Packers: Whether it’s #OccupyLambeau or #CheeseheadRiot or something else, Packers fans will be galvanized by last night’s outcome. And that’s the worst thing that could have happened for the NFL.
7. Cardinals: The best defense in the NFL resides in the NFC West. But not in the city where you thought it was.
8. Patriots: The last time the Pats had a losing record, they won the Super Bowl.
9. Seahawks: I put them a lot lower on my own ballot, since they actually lost last night’s game.
10. Cowboys: Tony Romo felt like he’d been golfing on Sunday — and cold-cocked by a driver.
11. Steelers: If this is how much the team passes with a run-based offense, we’d hate to see how many passing yards Roethlisberger would have if the offense were premised on the pass.
12. Bears: Based on Jay Cutler’s passer rating this year, J’Marcus Webb should be the one doing the bumping.
13. Broncos: Peyton Manning is very happy that Joe Mays plays for the Broncos.
14. Bengals: Finally, the Bengals won a game they were supposed to lose.
15. Jets: Rex Ryan’s demeanor on Monday sent a clear message: “Just. End. The. Season.”
16. Vikings: It’s fitting that the franchise’s biggest upset since Randy Moss pretended to show his butt to the fans at Lambeau Field would entail the Vikings kicking the butt of Moss and his new teammates.
17. Eagles: Arguably the worst 2-1 team in years, the Eagles could be on their way to 8-8 (at best) if they fall to 2-2 on Sunday night against the Giants.
18. Bills: Not bad for a team that some thought would go winless after Week One.
19. Chargers: Those 9,200 people who didn’t buy tickets knew what they were doing.
20. Raiders: Not bad for a team that some thought would go winless after Week Two.
21. Titans: Not bad for a team that some thought would go winless after Week Two.
22. Redskins: Not good for a team that most thought would go to the playoffs after Week One.
23. Lions: Even the smartest coaches can do some really dumb things.
24. Buccaneers: Crashing victory formation provides a nice diversion from a loss.
25. Panthers: Looks like someone has decided to be an entertainer and an icon, and not the best football player he can be.
26. Rams: The good news? The Rams are improving. The bad news? So is the rest of the division.
27. Chiefs: Winning in the Superdome suddenly lacks the sizzle it recently had.
28. Jaguars: Blaine Gabbert went Gangnam Style on the Colts.
29. Colts: Howe didd wee loooz????? TRADE WINDZ BLOWING AGAIN!!!! HOTTT!!!!
30. Saints: Sean Payton is getting ready to ask for a raise.
31. Dolphins: Block that kick! But not when I call a timeout!
32. Browns: Which comes first? Formal approval of Jimmy Haslam’s purchase of the team or a win?