1. Texans (six first-place votes): Jay Cutler ran into Tim Dobbins the same way Joe Theismann ran into Lawrence Taylor.
2. Falcons: The Saints helped the Falcons get some national media attention.
3. Ravens: They may need some of those 55 points over the next three games, two of which come against the Steelers.
4. 49ers: Colin Kaepernick has shown he’s caepable of helping this team win. (Yes, that was laeme.)
5. Packers: How many injuries to offensive players can they endure? As many that don’t happen to Aaron Rodgers.
6. Bears: The Superfans are bracing for a second annual Superslide.
7. Patriots: If this team keeps blowing fourth-quarter leads in the regular season, it may not have to worry about blowing another fourth-quarter lead in the Super Bowl.
8. Broncos: If Trindon Holliday ever drops the ball before crossing the goal line again, Peyton Manning will put it in a place where it will never fall out.
9. Steelers: By the end of the week, Ben Roethlisberger will claim that doctors thought about amputating his arm.
10. Colts: That five-day neckbeard makes Andrew Luck look like Wooly Willy.
11. Giants: Eli Manning doesn’t have a tired arm; his arm is in a coma.
12. Seahawks: That Week Three replacement-ref win could end up hurting the Vikings more than it hurts the Packers.
13. Vikings: The rest of the schedule will hurt the Vikings a lot more than that.
14. Buccaneers: If this team played in a Super Bowl hosted at Raymond James Stadium, the game still may not sell out.
15. Saints: Before penciling this team in as the No. 6 seed, look at the rest of the schedule.
16. Bengals: Beating the defending Super Bowl champs could be the closest thing this team comes to the playoffs.
17. Lions: Calvin Johnson played well on an injured knee, unless he misused the term “injured knee.”
18. Rams: With the Rams having a 2-0-1 record in the division and a 1-5 mark out of it, the NFC West isn’t as good as we think it is.
19. Chargers: Maybe Norv was simply preparing for his next career as a media critic. Which could be launching by Christmas.
20. Titans: Maybe Bud Adams should threaten to fire everyone more often.
21. Cowboys: Don’t look now, but this team could still climb back into the NFC East race. Just in time for the Giants to win it late.
22. Dolphins: On Sunday against the Titans, the Dolphins were who we thought they are.
23. Cardinals: The season could hinge on their ability to win in Atlanta. If so, there goes the season.
24. Redskins: With Mike Vick likely out, the “evaluation” of the defense could go a lot better on Sunday.
25. Panthers: Upon hearing the news that L.A. is interested in the Panthers, some said, “Wait, I thought Los Angeles wanted an NFL team?”
26. Bills: G.M. Buddy Nix says coach Chan Gailey is safe. But who said Nix is safe?
27. Eagles: Mike Vick’s concussion will heal as soon as Nick Foles gets one.
28. Jets: The vote of confidence from Woody Johnson should be coming any day now.
29. Raiders: It looked like the Raiders were willing to take a step back now in the hopes of taking multiple steps forward in the future. It looks like they decided to take multiple steps back.
30. Browns: Yes, the players want to change their uniforms; they want to wear the uniforms of other teams.
31. Jaguars: If Shad Khan cleans house, he may be paying more money to former employees than he’s paying to his players.
32. Chiefs: A moral victory finally comes during an inherently immoral season.