Saturday morning one-liners

AP

Jets QB Matt Simms was fined $7,875 for simulating a gunshot after throwing a touchdown pass.  (To date, he has been largely unable to simulate an NFL quarterback.)

Here’s a look at the Bills’ effort to get to 53.

Former Dolphins QB Dan Marino threw out the first pitch at a recent Pirates game.

Could the press conferences delivered this year by Jets coach Rex Ryan determine whether he gets a TV job next season?

Ravens coach John Harbaugh said TE Dennis Pitta (hip) could be placed on injured reserve with designation to return.

The Browns plan to hit the waiver wire hard.

Steelers OT Mike Adams, who was suspended five games at Ohio State in that memorable tats-for-gear scandal, isn’t pleased that Johnny Manziel received only a 30-minute suspension.

The Bengals have ponied up $200,000 for the construction of a new football field at a local school.

It looks like Jaguars RB Jordan Todman has won a spot on the Week One roster.

The Texans’ home field will be invaded by Oklahoma State and Mississippi State on Saturday.

Despite a high salary and a reduced role, LB Kamerion Wimbley remains in the team’s plans for 2013.

The Colts opted for evaluations over terminations on Friday.

Someone stole the $120,000 Range Rover owned by Broncos LB Shaun Phillips.

Yes, the Raiders apparently will be starting at left tackle a guy who has never played left tackle.

Tyler Bray remains the third quarterback on the Chiefs’ roster, for now.

It’ll be white helmet, white shirts, and white pants when the Chargers welcome the Texans to town on the opening Monday night of the season.  (The home team should have the white flags ready, too.)

With 11 tackles, a sack, and a forced fumble in the preseason finale, Eagles LB Emmanuel Acho made a big push to make the team.

Giants RB David Wilson is ready to prove he can be the team’s goal-line back in the absence of Andre Brown.

Could Redskins CB David Amerson be the steal of the draft?

A judge has denied a request to exclude the 0.18 percent BAC reading generated by former Cowboys DT Josh Brent from his intoxication manslaughter case.

The Packers may be better on defense than they were in recent years.  (Which really isn’t saying much.)

Lions CB Darius Slay showed considerable improvement over his last two preseason games.  (Then again, facing Tom Brady one week and Matt Leinart the next would be conducive to that.)

LB Desmond Bishop thinks he has done enough to earn a starting job with the Vikings.

Bears WE Joe Anderson wants to be great, not good.

Saints QB Drew Brees says that the team “can accomplish great things.”

Panthers LB Greg Hardy thinks of his contract year as a “breakout year.”

The Falcons have reiterated that WR Roddy White (ankle) will be ready for Week One.

The Buccaneers invited 30 fans who made the trek to DT Warren Sapp’s Hall of Fame enshrinement to the owners suite for the preseason finale.

Rams coach Jeff Fisher shrugs at mistakes made by his team during the preseason.

49ers LB Cam Johnson could be forcing his way into a roster spot.

As meaningless games go, the Seahawks were dominant.

Cardinals coach Bruce Arians had some advice for players who haven’t been cut through Friday:  “Don’t go buy a car yet.”