1. Broncos (2-0; last week No. 1): They’ve outscored the last two Super Bowl champs 90-50 to start the season.
2. Seahawks (2-0; No. 4): They’ve outscored the 49ers 71-16 in their last two meetings.
3. Texans (2-0; No. 3): DeAndre Hopkins thinks he can be better a better receiver than Andre Johnson. Ultimately, they need a better quarterback than Matt Schaub.
4. 49ers (1-1; No. 2): Maybe Colin Kaepernick will simply tattoo an eyebrow where that eyebrow was.
5. Packers (1-1; No. 6): If the Redskins had given the Packers a better game, Aaron Rodgers may have set the single-game passing yardage record.
6. Ravens (1-1; No. 7): So far, watching the Ravens play this year has been only slightly less painful than the childbirth quarterback Joe Flacco missed on Sunday.
7. Saints (2-0; No. 8): This year, the Saints already are one miracle closer to making their nickname legitimate.
8. Patriots (2-0; No. 9): “I took a huge pay cut and all I got was this crappy T-shirt. And a bunch of crappy receivers.”
9. Falcons (1-1; No. 10): Even Chip Kelly says, “Wow, they have a hard time holding a lead.”
10. Bears (2-0; No. 12): Ugly, come-from-behind wins are better than ugly, come-from-behind losses.
11. Bengals (1-1; No. 13): The Bengals have the young running back the Steelers need. Plus a lot more.
12. Dolphins (2-0; No. 22): Maybe the ’72 Dolphins eventually will have to worry about the ’13 Dolphins.
13. Chiefs (2-0; No. 19): Two wins all of last year. Two wins so far this year, with 14 chances to get more.
14. Chargers (1-1; No. 24): Eddie Royal quickly has become what Robert Meachem was supposed to be.
15. Eagles (1-1; No. 5): So when do all the people in Philly who wanted Andy Reid to be fired start complaining about the fact that he was?
16. Cowboys (1-1; No. 14): In Week Two, Tony Romo performed exactly like Peyton Manning. In the playoffs.
17. Cardinals (1-1; No. 21): What a difference a real quarterback makes.
18. Lions (1-1; No. 11): What a difference a little discipline would make.
19. Colts (1-1; No. 15): Jim Irsay demands more points. And a pony.
20. Rams (1-1; No. 17): For the Rams to become a great team, they can’t fall behind by 21 on the road.
21. Raiders (1-1; No. 26): If the Raiders had trusted Pryor earlier, they wouldn’t have had to give up all those draft picks for a quarterback who currently plays in Arizona.
22. Giants (0-2; No. 16): The last time the Giants started 0-2, they won the Super Bowl. That’s where the similarities between recent 0-2 Giants teams ends.
23. Titans (1-1; No. 23): Mike Munchak would have secured lifetime job security if the Titans had beaten the Texans in Houston. At least for Bud Adams’ lifetime.
24. Bills (1-1; No. 25): After years of toiling, the Bills could quickly benefit from some Manuel labor. (Does acknowledging that one is a little cheesy make it any better? I didn’t think so.)
25. Vikings (0-2; No. 18): With 54 points scored in two losses, maybe the passing game isn’t the problem.
26. Redskins (0-2; No. 20): Robert Griffin III should be benched only if he’s playing defense.
27. Panthers (0-2; No. 27): Cam Newton in in the process of trading that supposedly fake smile for a real frown.
28. Jets (1-1; No. 28): An opportunity lost is still a loss, Dog.
29. Steelers (0-2; No. 29): The Steelers are becoming irrelevant for the first time since the Pirates weren’t.
30. Browns (0-2; No. 30): The Factory of Sadness already is working overtime.
31. Buccaneers (0-2; No. 31): Josh Freeman missed this year’s team photo. Greg Schiano could miss next year’s.
32. Jaguars (0-2; No. 32): The Jaguars shouldn’t reconsider their position on Tim Tebow. He has already made it clear that he only wants to play for an NFL team.