1. Arizona Cardinals (last week No. 1; 8-1): Carson Palmer, Drew Stanton, Logan Thomas, Kurt Warner, Jim Hart. The key to this team’s success isn’t the quarterback but the head coach.
2. New England Patriots (No. 2; 7-2): Bill Belichick the coach has more than made up for the failures of Bill Belichick the de facto G.M.
3. Philadelphia Eagles (No. 3; 7-2): The Eagles may not be sour on Nick Foles. But they’re sweet on Mark Sanchez.
4. Denver Broncos (Last week No. 4; 7-2): Brock Osweiler has become the first guy to make the Manning face at Peyton Manning.
5. Detroit Lions (No. 5; 7-2): The Lions continue to win games against teams that lose games the way the Lions used to.
6. Dallas Cowboys (No. 6; 7-3): Maybe the Cowboys should leak negative stories about Dez Bryant more often.
7. Green Bay Packers (No. 9; 6-3): Maybe the Packers should move every player on their defense to middle linebacker.
8. Indianapolis Colts (No. 8; 6-3): To become the true heir to Peyton Manning in Indy, Andrew Luck needs to beat Tom Brady in the regular season. And then lose to him in the playoffs.
9. Seattle Seahawks (No. 10; 6-3): What’s that about the Seahawks being done with Marshawn Lynch?
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (No. 7; 6-4): After losing only four times in 23 prior games against the Jets, loss number five came at the worst possible time — against the worst version of the Jets they’ve ever faced.
11. Kansas City Chiefs (No. 13; 6-3): The Real Andy Reid should invite the Fake Andy Reid to every game for the rest of the year.
12. Baltimore Ravens (No. 12; 6-4): The best way to keep locker-room comments from being broadcast by a TV camera? Ask the cameraman to turn off the TV camera.
13. Cleveland Browns (No. 16; 6-3): At some point, the Browns have to pick a quarterback. And it would be the ultimate Browns move to pick the wrong one.
14. San Francisco 49ers (No. 18; 5-4): Linebacker Chris Borland is the best 13-year-old football player I’ve ever seen.
15. Cincinnati Bengals (No. 11; 5-3-1): When the Bengals hoped to see “Andy Dalton 2.0,” they didn’t mean it quite that literally.
16. Buffalo Bills (No. 14; 5-4): For coach Doug Marrone, Thursday night’s game against the Dolphins is a little like the sales contest in Glengarry Glen Ross.
17. Miami Dolphins (No. 15; 5-4): For coach Joe Philbin, Thursday night’s game against the Bills is a little like the sales contest Glengarry Glen Ross.
18. New Orleans Saints (No. 17; 4-5): Jimmy Graham says he literally put two fingers on Perrish Cox. Actually, Graham literally put two entire hands on Cox.
19. San Diego Chargers (No. 19; 5-4): The L.A. Wannabe Round Robin begins this week, with Raiders-Chargers followed by Rams-Chargers followed by Raiders-Rams.
20. Minnesota Vikings (No. 20; 4-5): Good luck to whoever tries to tackle Adrian Peterson the first time he’s back on the field.
21. St. Louis Rams (No. 21; 3-6): The only thing the Rams currently have in common with the Cardinals is that their starting quarterback has torn his ACL twice.
22. Houston Texans (No. 23; 4-5): The Ryan Mallett era finally begins. Don’t blink. Better yet, don’t even open your eyes.
23. Atlanta Falcons (No. 27; 3-6): One game out of first place and 3-0 in the NFC South, the Falcons somehow are in great shape to make a run.
24. New York Giants (No. 25; 3-6): It’s bad enough to be the worst team in their division; the Giants are suddenly in danger of being the worst team in their own stadium.
25. Washington (No. 26; 3-6): Jay Gruden thinks his team could be 7-2. If he’s opting for delusion, why not just go with 19-0?
26. Carolina Panthers (No. 22; 3-6-1): Maybe they should trade Cam Newton for Jay Cutler, straight up.
27. New York Jets (No. 31; 2-8): Mike Vick thinks the Jets would have won more games if he’d been the starter since Week One. Which overlooks the reality that he would have been injured by Week Four.
28. Tennessee Titans (No. 28; 2-7): If the Titans moved to L.A. or London or Mars, would anyone even notice?
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (No. 29; 1-9): Folks in London apparently like the Jaguars because they register roughly the same score as a soccer team.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (No. 30; 1-8): “We’re only three games out of first place!”
31. Chicago Bears (No. 24; 3-5): Bill Swerski hopes his next heart attack is fatal.
32. Oakland Raiders (No. 32; 0-9): San Antonio wants an NFL team. Or the Raiders.