1. New England Patriots (last week No. 2; 11-3): Tom Brady wants to play “forever,” which roughly equates to the amount of time it takes him to complete a 17-yard run.
2. Seattle Seahawks (No. 3; 10-4): J.J. Watt may be the MVP, and Bobby Wagner may be the defensive player of the year.
3. Denver Broncos (No. 4; 11-3): Peyton Manning throwing a block is roughly as hard to watch as Peyton Manning throwing up.
4. Arizona Cardinals (No. 5; 11-3): As the saying goes, when you have two quarterbacks, you have none; for the Cardinals, when you have no quarterbacks, you have two.
5. Green Bay Packers (No. 1; 10-4): Aaron Rodgers was a little too relaxed in Buffalo.
6. Dallas Cowboys (No. 7; 10-4): They could be the No. 1 seed and they could miss the playoffs. If DeMarco Murray misses Sunday’s game, take the under.
7. Indianapolis Colts (No. 8; 10-4): Squarely on the second tier behind Denver and New England, the Colts won’t be viewed as a real contender until they can beat one of those two teams in the postseason.
8. Detroit Lions (No. 9; 10-4): Everyone keeps waiting for the old Lions to show up. Maybe they won’t.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (No. 10; 9-5): Good news, the final two games are at home, where they beat the Ravens and Colts. Bad news, the final two games are at home, where they lost to the Bucs and the Saints.
10. Philadelphia Eagles (No. 6; 9-5): Demoralized after a pair of home losses, the Eagles are still only a pair of road wins and a Cowboys stumble away from winning the division.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (No. 11; 9-4-1): Maybe Marvin Lewis should make offensive comments about the upcoming opponent’s quarterback more often.
12. Baltimore Ravens (No. 12; 9-5): Like 2012, they’re finding the gas pedal in December.
13. Kansas City Chiefs (No. 15; 8-6): Great turnaround against Oakland, but it could be too late.
14. Buffalo Bills (No. 17; 8-6): They may not make the playoffs, but that signature win over the Packers could save Doug Marrone’s job.
15. San Diego Chargers (No. 13; 8-6): 0-2 at home against the Patriots and Broncos shows that the Chargers simply can’t compete with the big boys.
16. New Orleans Saints (No. 23; 6-8): The team that can’t win at home suddenly can’t be beaten away from it.
17. Houston Texans (No. 14; 7-7): Maybe J.J. Watt should play quarterback; he can’t be much worse than Thad Lewis or Case Keenum.
18. St. Louis Rams (No. 16; 6-8): Bruce Arians has shown Jeff Fisher how to properly throw shade.
19. Carolina Panthers (No. 22; 5-8-1): When the Panthers host the Browns, the guy who was in a car wreck will be facing the guy who is in a train wreck.
20. Miami Dolphins (No. 18; 7-7): Joe Philbin is on to Minnesota. And folks in Miami are saying, “Don’t come back.”
21. San Francisco 49ers (No. 20; 7-7): After having the last three seasons fall apart in the key moments of a critical postseason game, having it end in December could be a welcome relief.
22. Minnesota Vikings (No. 19; 6-8): The team’s 2014 experience can be summarized by the experience birds will be having at the team’s new glass-walled stadium.
23. Cleveland Browns (No. 21; 7-7): Johnny Goose Egg?
24. New York Giants (No. 25; 5-9): It looks like Tom Coughlin may get a chance to miss the playoffs in six of seven seasons.
25. Atlanta Falcons (No. 24; 5-9): The only good news for the Falcons is that the looming coaching vacancy could be the most attractive job in the upcoming hiring cycle.
26. Chicago Bears (No. 26; 5-9): Thirty years after this team was on the brink of its best season ever, it feels like the Bears could be just one year away from its worst.
27. New York Jets (No. 32; 3-11): Percy Harvin won’t take a pay cut to return. He should want a pay raise to stay in the middle of this mess.
28. Oakland Raiders (No. 27; 2-12): Maybe Derek Carr’s potential will balance out the general dysfunction and crappy stadium in the coaching search.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (No. 28; 2-12): There’s reason for hope in 2015. Especially if this year’s hopelessness results in the first overall pick in the draft.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (No. 29; 2-12): They remain competitive. At some point, they need to win games.
31. Washington (No. 31; 3-11): Coach Jay Gruden actually seemed to be relieved that they lost by only 11 to the Giants.
32. Tennessee Titans (No. 30; 2-12): The Titans have become the Jaguars without the swimming pools.