1. Patriots (1-0; last week No. 1): If the plan for covering Rob Gronkowski is to not cover Rob Gronkowski, the Pats will be in this spot for a while.
2. Packers (1-0; No. 3): Who’s this Jordy Nelson you’re talking about?
3. Broncos (1-0; No. 4): They’ve gone from the 1999 Rams to the 2000 Ravens in the blink of an eye.
4. Cowboys (1-0; No. 6): They’re winning games the way they used to lose them, which lays the foundation for long-lost glory.
5. Bills (1-0; No. 9): No matter how it ends this year in Buffalo, no one can take away how it started.
6. Ravens (0-1; No. 2): They’d be higher if you-know-who was elite.
7. Chiefs (1-0; No. 10): That “receivers aren’t catching touchdown passes” thing is a lot less meaningful after a road win.
8. Cardinals (1-0; No. 11): Maybe if they keep winning they can afford to re-sod the whole field and not just the middle of it.
9. Seahawks (0-1; No. 5): They should have thrown it.
10. Bengals (1-0; No. 12): Maybe Pacman Jones simply wanted Amari Cooper to experience how other teams treat the Bengals in the playoffs every year.
11. Colts (0-1; No. 7): Everyone in the organization needs to get on the same page quickly or this could implode.
12. Dolphins (1-0; No. 16): Cue Dean Martin from deck of the Stu Gots. “Like the league office said, that ain’t a kick in the head.” (Unless it was.)
13. Rams (1-0; No. 21): Those 21,000 empty seats have a memory they can share with their grandchildren.
14. Steelers (0-1; No. 8): Steel Curtain? A shower curtain would have provided more resistance to Gronk.
15. Chargers (1-0; No. 18): Imagine what that offense will be able to do once Antonio Gates is back.
16. Falcons (1-0; No. 22): Fake crowd noise isn’t necessary when the opponent is potentially a fraud.
17. 49ers (1-0; No. 25): Who’s got it better than us? (They can still use that, right?)
18. Panthers (1-0; No. 19): Even Petite Randy Moss has better hands than Ted Ginn.
19. Eagles (0-1; No. 14): People are surprised that the Ringo Starr of the Legion of Boom didn’t perform like Paul McCartney?
20. Vikings (0-1; No. 15): The Vikings aren’t ready for prime time. Or pretty much anything else.
21. Texans (0-1; No. 13): Maybe they should have jumped on Matt Cassel, after all.
22. Lions (0-1; No. 17): Aaron Donald looked great on Sunday. It’s a good thing the Lions didn’t draft a tight end instead of him. Oh.
23. Saints (0-1; No. 20): It’s going to be a lot harder to contend for the division crown on the wrong side of .500 this year.
24. Giants (0-1; No. 23): All the criticism of Eli and Coughlin gives G.M. Jerry Reese perfect cover for handing James Jones to the Packers.
25. Titans (1-0; No. 30): For the second straight year, the Titans managed a big road win to start the year. They’re hoping the rest of the season turns out a little better than 1-14.
26. Jets (1-0; No. 27): No, they won’t be playing the Browns every week.
27. Jaguars (0-1; No. 28): The “we have swimming pools!” distraction may not work much longer.
28. Bears (0-1; No. 29): It’s wasn’t a win, but it also wasn’t a disaster.
29. Browns (0-1; No. 24): At least the uniforms are an improvement.
30. Washington (0-1; No. 32): If only they had a better scout team safety, maybe they could have pulled out the win.
31. Raiders (0-1; No. 26): At this rate, Oakland taxpayers will indeed help fund a new stadium. With one condition: It must be built in any city other than Oakland.
32. Buccaneers (0-1; No. 31): Maybe the Bucs should add a “no blocking” and “no tackling” clause to the “no baseball” provision in Jameis Winston’s contract.