1. Patriots (2-0; last week No. 1): Tom Brady has obtained no apparent motivation from his offseason predicament. None whatsoever.
2. Packers (2-0; No. 2): If God wasn’t a Packers fan, He wouldn’t have given the world cheese.
3. Broncos (2-0; No. 3): They easily could be 0-2. They’re not. Deal with it.
4. Cowboys (2-0; No. 4): Glory interrupted.
5. Cardinals (2-0; No. 8): Some folks in Chicago may be starting to think the wrong team moved out of town.
6. Bengals (2-0; No. 10): The Bengals need to order 2016 calendars and rename the first month of the year “September.”
7. Bills (1-1; No. 5): It was fun while it lasted.
8. Chiefs (1-1; No. 7): It was fun while it lasted.
9. Ravens (0-2; No. 6): This can’t last, can it?
10. Seahawks (0-2; No. 9): This won’t last.
11. Falcons (2-0; No. 16): With the Julio Jones contract, Arthur Blank redefined buying low.
12. Steelers (1-1; No. 14): Could Todd Haley actually be earning another shot at becoming a head coach?
13. Panthers (2-0; No. 18): Methodical, consistent, effective.
14. Jets (2-0; No. 26): If they win it all, does IK Enemkpali get a ring?
15. Dolphins (1-1; No. 12): These Dolphins really are different. They usually lose games they should win in December.
16. Rams (1-1; No. 13): The Rams should petition to play all of their games against NFC West teams.
17. Chargers (1-1; No. 15): Any time they play in Cincinnati and it’s not 30 below zero, that’s a win.
18. 49ers (1-1; No. 17): Some of the 49ers apparently thought the team was still wearing black jerseys in Week Two.
19. Vikings (1-1; No. 20): Which Vikings team is the real Vikings team?
20. Browns (1-1; No. 29): For a team that has lost plenty of games without excitement, why not opt for excitement and see what happens?
21. Colts (0-2; No. 11): If Chuck Pagano means it when he says that this is his last job, here’s hoping his money lasts a long time.
22. Texans (0-2; No. 21): Maybe J.J. Watt should play quarterback.
23. Titans (1-1; No. 25): Those offseason rumors about the Browns wanting Marcus Mariota to start his career in Cleveland apparently inspired the defense to try to end it in Cleveland.
24. Jaguars (1-1; No. 27): Every coach looks for the moment that causes his players to fully buy in. Sunday against Miami, that moment may have arrived.
25. Raiders (1-1; No. 31): Fantasy experts who never face any actual accountability for dispensing bad advice were strongly advising me to use Baltimore’s defense against the Raiders, since the Raiders offense is so bad. (Fortunately, I stuck with Buffalo’s defense.)
26. Giants (0-2; No. 24): They know how to build a lead. Now they simply have to figure out how to hold a lead.
27. Lions (0-2; No. 22): Ready or not, prime time is coming to Detroit.
28. Washington (1-1; No. 30): Win Thursday night, and folks will start believing.
29. Buccaneers (1-1; No. 32): Why only 29? It’s still possible that the Bucs are just a little better than a really bad Saints team.
30. Eagles (0-2; No. 19): Those smoothies have turned the offensive line into a sieve.
31. Saints (0-2; No. 23): Unless Drew Brees can also play defense at a high level, whether he plays or not shouldn’t really matter much.
32. Bears (0-2; No. 28): Not that long ago, coach John Fox lost 43-8 to the Seahawks at a neutral site and with a much better team.