1. Patriots (3-0; last week No. 1): The Tom Brady Eff You Tour is in midseason form.
2. Packers (3-0; No. 2): Yes, Aaron Rodgers is Michael Jordan. If each of those five touchdown passes from Monday night count as Super Bowl wins.
3. Broncos (3-0; No. 3): With the Minnesota defense coming to town, maybe Peyton Manning should move from shotgun formation to punt formation.
4. Cardinals (3-0; No. 5): Arizona’s defensive backs have become Colin Kaepernick’s favorite receivers.
5. Bengals (3-0; No. 6): Maybe the best way to win a playoff game is to avoid one with a bye.
6. Falcons (3-0; No. 11): Dan Quinn and company made great halftime adjustments. Or the Cowboys didn’t. Or both.
7. Bills (2-1; No. 7): The Dolphins may regret not trying to hire Rex Ryan this year.
8. Cowboys (2-1; No. 4): On Sunday night, The Walking Dead returns to prime time. Next week, that zombie show will be back on AMC.
9. Seahawks (1-2; No. 10): It doesn’t matter if the offense is struggling when the defense is giving up no points.
10. Panthers (3-0; No. 13): Is Jared Allen too old to draw roughing the passer penalties?
11. Steelers (2-1; No. 12): Can Mike Vick stay healthy for 4-6 weeks?
12. Chiefs (1-2; No. 8): They’re on to Cincinnati. Where they’ll also be on to 1-3.
13. Vikings (2-1; No. 19): Three weeks after a stinker against the 49ers, the Vikings can make a statement against the Broncos.
14. Jets (2-1; No. 14): The New York Jets, finding new and innovative ways to create dysfunction since 1999. If not much earlier than that.
15. Ravens (0-3; No. 9): Never before has one team been so unable to cover one receiver.
16. Dolphins (1-2; No. 15): Could the guy who replaced Tony Sparano get the same post-London treatment as the guy Sparano replaced last year?
17. Rams (1-2; No. 16): Based on Sunday’s crowd, Stan Kroenke possibly thought he’d built a new stadium in Pennsylvania.
18. Raiders (2-1; No. 25): Latavius Murray says the goal is to win the division, and that may not be all that far-fetched.
19. Chargers (1-2; No. 17): “At least we didn’t give up 300 yards to Adrian.”
20. Colts (1-2; No. 21): “Yeah! We came back from a double-digit deficit we deserved to be in to beat a team that won two games last year!”
21. Browns (1-2; No. 20): Glass half full assessment? They didn’t give up when they were down by 17.
22. Eagles (1-2; No. 30): Glass half empty assessment? They nearly gave up when they were up 24.
23. Texans (1-2; No. 22): Glass exactly at midpoint analysis? Folks hated the old field, and they hate the new one, too.
24. Titans (1-2; No. 23): Glass slipper shatters early.
25. Giants (1-2; No. 26): Victor Cruz’s return can make them better. If he’s going to play defense.
26. Jaguars (1-2; No. 24): A one-point loss counts the same in the standings as a blowout. And that’s the best thing that can be said about the Foxboro experience.
27. 49ers (1-2; No. 18): Which happens first — 49ers fans clamor for Blaine Gabbert or they become Raiders fans?
28. Lions (0-3; No. 27): “The best 0-3 team in NFL history” will soon be “the best 0-4 team in NFL history.”
29. Washington (1-2; No. 28): Crazy as it sounds, this team could still win the division.
29. Buccaneers (1-2; No. 29): Last year, a 1-2 start would have been promising in the NFC South. This year, with two of the teams at 3-0, the Bucs already are playing for third place.
31. Saints (0-3; No. 31): The reports and counter-reports regarding whether Drew Brees has a torn rotator cuff is almost as exciting as the team’s games.
32. Bears (0-3; No. 32): If the reward for stinking is being traded to a contender, count on a lot more stink in Chicago.