1. Panthers (13-0; last week No. 1): The only way Cam Newton isn’t the NFL’s MVP if is they change the meaning of the acronym to something like “Mint Veal Pancreas.”
2. Cardinals (11-2; No. 4): The new America’s Team is 4-0 in prime time, with another date on Sunday Night Football looming.
3. Patriots (11-2; No. 5): Every time Tom Brady runs with the ball, I expect to hear John Facendas voice. Then I realize it’s not actually slow motion.
4. Packers (9-4; No. 6): If Mike McCarthy is a genius for taking back play-calling duties, was he an idiot for giving them up?
5. Seahawks (8-5; No. 7): Cam Newton will be the MVP — and Russell Wilson could be the Super Bowl MVP.
6. Broncos (10-3; No. 2): It would be a good idea for the receivers and tight ends to stop dropping passes before Uncle Peyton starts throwing them again.
7. Steelers (8-5; No. 9): The most dangerous team in the AFC could still be watching the playoffs from home.
8. Chiefs (8-5; No. 8): Apparently, they were the best 1-5 team in NFL history.
9. Bengals (10-3; No. 3): Andy Dalton will finally prove his value to the Bengals through his inability to play.
10. Jets (8-5; No. 10): IK Enemkpali should be named team MVP.
11. Vikings (8-5; No. 11): Well, at least there’s now a chance they won’t get embarrassed in their one-and-out playoff appearance.
12. Raiders (6-7; No. 16): With Khalil Mack and Derek Carr, the future’s so bright that the logo will need a sunglass monocle.
13. Eagles (6-7; No. 18): Chip Kelly may not have called LeSean McCoy last week. Chip definitely should give him a call this week.
14. Washington (6-7; No. 19): Just when they stop winning at home, they figure out how to start winning on the road.
15. Giants (6-7; No. 20): Monday night’s game wasn’t a playoff game, but Eli Manning performed like it was.
16. Bills (6-7; No. 12): Doug Marrone got seven losses without LeSean McCoy or Tyrod Taylor.
17. Texans (6-7; No. 14): To have a chance at winning the division, they simply need to win in a city where they have never, ever won.
18. Buccaneers (6-7; No. 15): The Bucs are a lot better, but they’re still not good enough.
19. Bears (5-8; No. 17): Don’t worry, Robbie Gould. You’ll have a chance to miss key field goals with another team next year.
20. Colts (6-7; No. 13): Chuck Pagano says the team hasn’t quit. Imagine how ugly that 51-16 loss to the Jaguars would have looked if the team had.
21. Jaguars (5-8; No. 28): Hanging 51 points on the Colts could be the dam-breaking win the Jaguars needed.
22. Falcons (6-7; No. 21): If a vote of confidence is bad, is a vote of “complete confidence“worse?
23. Dolphins (5-8; No. 22): The uniform of the team from the ’70s looked good on Monday night. Players who play like those teams would look even better.
24. Rams (5-8; No. 27): And now it’s time for the late-season surge that will persuade ownership to stick with the status quo.
25. Saints (5-8; No. 29): Ending Carolina’s unbeaten streak would have been nice. Putting a fork in Tampa Bay’s playoff chances will be the consolation.
26. Lions (4-9; No. 23): At least ownership won’t have a tough decision to make about Jim Caldwell.
27. Cowboys (4-9; No. 25): Maybe the Cowboys should have signed the quarterback they’ll see on Saturday night, when the Jets come to town.
28. Ravens (4-9; No. 26): All the Ravens wanted for Christmas was to not have to play the Steelers at home on a Sunday night.
29. Browns (3-10; No. 32): The Factory of Sadness had an uncharacteristic holiday-season shutdown.
30. 49ers (4-9; No. 24): The 49ers fell victim to a trap game? The 49ers are the trap game.
31. Chargers (3-10; No. 31): How bad would this team be without Philip Rivers?
32. Titans (3-10; No. 30): Remember the Titans II: Forget the Titans.