Jared Allen ready to “rock and roll” thanks to Glazer’s laser

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Jared Allen wasn’t happy about missing the NFC Championship Game, after he was diagnosed with a broken foot.

So as he tried to get back for the Super Bowl, he turned to something straight out of the lair of Dr. Evil, using a laser to try to get rid of the inflammation that held him back.

According to Mike Garafolo of FOX Sports, the Panthers defensive end was hooked up with a Dallas-area company called Phoenix Thera-Lase by friend and FOX analyst Jay Glazer (who like Dr. Evil, is bald. And evil. And may or may not use the word “fricking” a lot.).

And as a result, Allen said he’s ready to go this weekend, after being disappointed at possibly missing his chance to play in his first Super Bowl. But Allen said he respected coach Ron Rivera for giving him a chance to plead his case,

“I think that’s what’s so great about him. He allows those conversations to happen,” Allen said. “‘Here’s what’s going on.’ ‘OK, here’s what I think.’ He listens. It doesn’t always mean he’s going to do everything the player wants, but he’s going to listen, which I respect. Yeah, I was pissed off for a day and then you move on. It’s not about me.

“If he would’ve just told me, ‘I guarantee we’re going to win, maybe it would’ve made it easier.’ But that’s why I like him so much. It’s hard to describe. There’s just something about Coach Rivera. He’s cool, calm and collected. He gets it.”

Now, Allen says he’s ready to “rock and roll,” and Rivera said the week off helped the veteran pass-rusher be ready. And if Rivera wasn’t willing to put him on the field, it might have ended with Allen finding a shark to attach the laser to.

19 responses to “Jared Allen ready to “rock and roll” thanks to Glazer’s laser

  1. Great news. He can rotate in and out, helping to keep fresh legs on that disruptive front line. Glad to see him get into the SB!

  2. I know you guys are trying to be funny with the Austin Powers references, but why bother? It just didn’t work.

  3. thenoshows says:
    Feb 3, 2016 10:58 AM
    What do people really think about Jay Glazer?
    Jay has what has to be one of the easiest jobs in the world. Just comes in for less than five minuets to read a teleprompter of which players are injured and expected not to play for the week even though fans can find out any number of other ways.
    Gets paid probably at least 6 figures a year for doing something that doesn’t have to be done.

  4. Allen is actually entertaining as a Panther, but I just can’t bring myself to root for him.

    It’s too bad that such a good pass rusher had to be wasted for so many years wearing those ugly horns and putrid purple colors.

  5. Thomas Davis playing with a broken arm and Juice needle Jared playing with a broken foot. Things are looking up! Go Broncos!
    Because we all know the Broncos aren’t capable of beating a healthy team.

  6. sdchicken says:

    How about some real information about what therapeutic lasors actually do? Now the misled public is going to think lasors heal fractures…not true

    Exactly. By the way, there’s a million chiropractors and doctors who are trying to figure out a legitimate way to bill for this treatment, which is described by medical guidelines as “experimental”, “investigational”, and supported by “inadequate evidence.” But sure, just point the lazer at my skin, and it’ll heal everything internally.

    And if you believe that, Jay Glazer has a huge, huge bridge in San Francisco that he would be happy to sell you on the cheap.

  7. Though Jared’s not the player he used to be, I’m very happy for him to be getting this opportunity to become a true NFL Champion.

    An oppertunity he was never going to receive in Minnesota.

  8. Best of luck to Jared — at least he isn’t basing his recovery on magic mystery water.

    And he also wouldn’t have had an “oppertunity” to become a true NFL Champion, and apparently experience the wonderful spelling educational opportunities available in WI, had he played for the Packers this year.

  9. C’mon, man. Glazier is not evil. Extremely obnoxious, maybe….

    As for Allen, he’s been an excellent situational player for us. Not many sacks, but he can bust up a screen to the RB as good as anyone. And between him, CJ, Kony Ealy and Mario Addison, we have a deep lineup of DEs that will keep the pressure on the Broncos tackles to protect their 137-year-old QB.

  10. sundog05 says:
    Feb 3, 2016 11:29 AM

    Thomas Davis playing with a broken arm and Juice needle Jared playing with a broken foot. Things are looking up! Go Broncos!

    That’s better than having a broken down quarterback.

  11. Lasers. i knew i could have been a contender if i would have just pointed my sharper image keychain at myself.

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