NFL launches new effort to indoctrinate very young fans

As if the Madden video game series doesn’t do enough to lure a legion of youngsters toward football, the NFL has a new plan for getting them even earlier. And while the latest venture looks like it may come from the pages of The Onion or the conference room of The Office, it’s real.

The league announced on Wednesday the “NFL Newborn Fan Club.” Described as a “new way for parents to show their team pride and celebrate the newest addition to their football family,” it’s actually a way to imprint a team’s logo on the infant’s fontanelle.

Families who register their newborn will receive a “digital birth certificate” along with “exclusive offers [to buy stuff] from Pampers and NFLShop.com,” along with a sweepstakes entry to win free baby apparel.

There’s no problem with looking for ways to expand the brand, but the NFL is going to catch most of if not all those infants as they get older. Besides, the sponge is already saturated, as far as the United States go.

“[M]ore people understand our sport the more love it and we have pretty much tapped out what we can do here in America,” Patriots owner Robert Kraft said last month regarding the NFL’s ongoing interest in overseas games.

The NFL has indeed tapped out the American market. Still, the challenge domestically becomes avoiding the prediction of Mark Cuban coming to fruition: Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered.

As a high-level executive with one of the 32 teams told PFT in response to the announcement of the NFL Newborn Fan Club, “We are not under attack because of safety. We are under attack because we have become pigs. Arrogant, bully, chest-beating, know-it-all pigs, and people are after us.”

At least they’ll still have the newborns.

24 responses to “NFL launches new effort to indoctrinate very young fans

  1. The NFL will stop at nothing to shove football down our throats. I’m seriously irritated because they’re not satisfied with just “owning a day of the week” or having the most watched program of all time. But what they don’t realize is eventually people will feel too suffocated by all this madness and be completely turned off by the NFL entirely.

    Unless that’s what the NFL is going for, in which case, please up the ante XD

  2. “We are not under attack because of safety. We are under attack because we have become pigs. Arrogant, bully, chest-beating …

    and unscrupulous, lying, cheating, trying-to-milk-every-last-dollar-out-of-every-last-fan-before-it-all-comes-crashing-down scumbags.

  3. I’ll squelch that pitch right now. ‘Once upon a time children, there was this Machiavellin, ego driven fraud/dictator named Rog. The London, China and Martian team were all his idea. And then…

  4. fontanelle, I looked it up so you don’t have to:

    …is an anatomical feature of the infant human skull comprising any of the soft membranous gaps.

  5. “But what they don’t realize is eventually people will feel too suffocated by all this madness and be completely turned off by the NFL entirely.”

    Don’t count on it bro… the other sports just lack that special something …. violence, teamwork, excitement, fantasy football, tailgating etc. that makes the NFL unique.

    Yes its a risky sport. But so are soccer, lacrosse, hockey, and even baseball due to high rates of concussions.

    Yeah, Roger Goodell is slimy but I still love the NFL and when my son turns 7 he has the choice to play if he wants.

  6. NBC is mad they didn’t think of this.
    Change:
    “The league announced on Wednesday the “NFL Newborn Fan Club.” Described as a “new way for parents to show their team pride and celebrate the newest addition to their football family,” it’s actually a way to imprint a team’s logo on the infant’s fontanelle.”
    To:
    “The network announced on Wednesday the “NBC Newborn Fan Club.” Described as a “new way for parents to show their liberal pride and celebrate the newest addition to their progressive family,” it’s actually a way to imprint a failed ideology on the infant’s fontanelle.”

  7. Indoctrination or brilliant marketing strategy?

    I guess that depends on how cynical you are. The NFL is just giving us what we want. That’s why the NFL Draft will draw bigger ratings than the NBA playoffs this week.

  8. but no one bat an eye when the NFL runs endless military indoctrination ads during games every Sunday.

    “Come sign up to die for lies, and for the profits of a few…”

  9. I don’t know bout yinz, but where I come from football is in our blood. We don’t need gimmicks, we don’t need marketing schemes, we are born football fans. Our babies get terrible towel blackets, our city’s Christmas tree is the terrible tree. Our great great grandfathers gave our team their name. Where we reside this isn’t on our radar because being football fans is our birth right.
    People from Cleveland, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Oakland California, Dallas, San Francisco, Chicago, Miami, Buffalo, NYC and Detroit know exactly what I’m talking about.
    No disrespect to the rest of the league but we built this thing and nobody should forget it.

  10. Also, I don’t know about you but I refuse to let bandwagon fans from the Northeast destroy the game I love. Never. Over my dead body. Showing respect is the easiest way to gain it and these people know no respect.
    Pats fans, either fall in line or go back to what ever you did before you became a fan in 2001. No debate, no discussion, no nothing… These are the terms and if you don’t like it then bail because we did find without you in the past and will continue to do fine without you in the future.

  11. Indoctrinate…

    So the NFL and Goodell are “Reapers”. That actually explains a lot, lol.

    I’d say then that normally, this would make Brady “Shepard”, but CLEARLY New England is Cerberus, so he’d be the “Illusive Man”, hahaha!

    (9 million thumbs down)

  12. We must shield our children from this dangerous sport!!!
    And yes NFL will continue to move games out of the country as the well has run pretty dry here. Keep paying for those stadiums suckers!

  13. The NFL are too busy defrauding and racketeering to “blue-sky” the market breadth, so here you go:
    1) Tiny arm bands to help sperm win that race, with your team’s logo!
    2) Protect the wife’s head as she goes into labor with NFL helmets!
    3) No longer living? Not a problem with NFL urns, coffins, cryo-units…

  14. Excellent! If I want my child to learn to lie and cheat, there are few organizations better qualified to teach these lessons, than the nfl.

  15. Tell the kids you can make massive mistakes, throw a tantrum and then blame others for your own incompetence. Uncle Roger will show you the secrets…

  16. Just had a Jets logo tattooed on my kids butt, now he has no choice but to root for the Jets no matter how much they disappoint.

  17. trailerparkking says:
    Apr 27, 2016 11:30 PM
    Also, I don’t know about you but I refuse to let bandwagon fans from the Northeast destroy the game I love. Never. Over my dead body. Showing respect is the easiest way to gain it and these people know no respect.
    Pats fans, either fall in line or go back to what ever you did before you became a fan in 2001. No debate, no discussion, no nothing… These are the terms and if you don’t like it then bail because we did find without you in the past and will continue to do fine without you in the future.
    ***************************
    Good Point TP. I was a LA Ram fan, season ticket holder for 10 years until for more $$$$ they moved to St Louis and left the fans back in 1996. I didn’t have a team to follow until this young QB took his team to the Super Bowl in 2001 and I liked the team and became a follower. The game in not about the 32 American teams and the fans but the 32 owners. Disgusting.

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