1. Broncos (2-0; last week No. 1): Does beating the Colts justify hanging a banner? For the Broncos, who had been 1-8 against Indy, it does.
2. Patriots (2-0; No. 2): “Tom Brady isn’t walking through that door, men. Well, at least not for the next 13 days.”
3. Panthers (1-1; No. 3): Scoring 46 is always impressive. Scoring 46 against a team that allowed zero the week before that is even more impressive.
4. Steelers (2-0; No. 5): If Ben Roethlisberger stays healthy, the No. 1 seed isn’t out of the question. (And now I’ve jinxed him.)
5. Cardinals (1-1; No. 6): Maybe every coach should call out multiple players in the media by name.
6. Vikings (2-0; No. 10): Stefon Diggs should brace himself for constant double teams and press coverage.
7. Texans (2-0; No. 12): Isn’t there supposed to be a Super Bowl host curse?
8. Packers (1-1; No. 7): Maybe Mike McCarthy shouldn’t be calling the plays, after all.
9. Seahawks (1-1; No. 4): Russell Wilson needs more nanobubbles.
10. Bengals (1-1; No. 8): Andy Dalton needs a better chinstrap, especially with Von Miller coming to town.
11. Ravens (2-0; No. 13): Maybe every Browns game should begin with the opposing team spotting them 20.
12. Chiefs (1-1; No. 9): The regular-season winning streak ends at 11. Hopefully, the regular-season losing streak won’t hit five, again.
13. Giants (2-0; No. 16): They’re winning games this year that they would have lost last year.
14. Cowboys (1-1; No. 17): The Cowboys pulled off an Olympics-style feat on Sunday; they win once every four years without Tony Romo.
15. Jets (1-1; No. 20): It won’t be easy to win in Kansas City, especially if Brandon Marshall isn’t as “fine” as his head coach said he is.
16. Falcons (1-1; No. 25): No team changes national perceptions of itself faster than the Falcons.
17. Raiders (1-1; No. 11): The lift from winning a game by going for two late apparently lasts less then seven days.
18. Buccaneers (1-1; No. 15): The Bucs won’t have to worry about falling victim to excessive praise anytime soon.
19. Eagles (2-0; No. 26): Don’t like being No. 19, Philly Bro? Beat the Steelers on Sunday.
20. Dolphins (0-2; No. 19): Three years ago, they started 2-0 and collapsed. This year, they started 0-2 and will get it together.
21. Titans (1-1; No. 28): How does a team become relevant? By stealing road games against supposedly better teams.
22. 49ers (1-1; No. 22): Did anyone really expect them to beat the Panthers?
23. Lions (1-1; No. 21): Calvin Johnson may not be a Hall of Famer. Andre Johnson proved why he is, in Calvin’s NFL hometown.
24. Saints (0-2; No. 23): The defense played well, for a change. The offense didn’t, for a change.
25. Colts (0-2; No. 24): “Made Defending Super Bowl Champions Sweat It Out” will be hanging from the rafters this weekend.
26. Rams (1-1; No. 31): Was the Jeff Fisher contract extension not announced after the win over Seattle because so many people expected it to happen?
27. Chargers (1-1; No. 30): Who’s next in the “gone for the year with a torn ACL” rotation?
28. Jaguars (0-2; No. 18): The bandwagon has emptied faster than the bladder of a nine-year old who drank a two-liter bottle of Sprite just before sleeping 12 hours.
29. Washington (0-2; No. 14): A year after we got it wrong by putting them at No. 32 to start the year, maybe we should have put them at No. 32 to start the year.
30. Bears (0-2; No. 27): The Bears are who we thought they were.
31. Bills (0-2; No. 29): Rex Ryan wasn’t the first mother–cker to get fired, after all.
32. Browns (0-2; No. 32): Does it help that the Browns would probably still be 0-2 if they’d picked Carson Wentz.