1. Cowboys (9-1; last week No. 1): The only thing that could make their Thanksgiving game against Washington better would be the return of Pat Summerall and John Madden to call it.
2. Raiders (8-2; No. 2): The logo should have traded the eye patch for a ski mask, given the way they stole the Monday night game from the Texans.
3. Seahawks (7-2-1; No. 3): From pretending to poop a football to giving his sideline the middle finger, Doug Baldwin is only a mimed urination away from completing the trifecta.
4. Patriots (8-2; No. 4): The Patriots left Jabaal Sheard on the other side of the country; the 49ers would like to send their entire defense to the other side of the planet.
5. Giants (7-3; No. 9): This is the last team the Cowboys want to see in the playoffs.
6. Broncos (7-3; No. 6): This is the last team the Raiders want to see in the playoffs.
7. Falcons (6-4; No. 7): This is a team that may be playing its last game at the Georgia Dome in the playoffs.
8. Chiefs (7-3; No. 5): If this team keeps playing like it did against Tampa, it may not last long in the playoffs.
9. Washington (6-3-1; No. 11): “You like that you like me now.”
10. Lions (6-4; No. 8): Go ahead and complain about the drop, Lions fans, but your team nearly lost to the Jaguars.
11. Dolphins (6-4; No. 12): The last time the Dolphins saw a fourth-quarter comeback like that, they were on the wrong end of the birth of Tebowmania.
12. Texans (6-4; No. 10): They win the games they should, they lose the games they should, lather, rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat.
13. Vikings (6-4; No. 16): That six weeks between victories felt like six years. With six games left, this team can still be dangerous in the postseason — if it gets there.
14. Bills (5-5; No. 17): Rex Ryan thinks the Jaguars are a great two-win team; many would say that the Bills are an average-at-best five-win team.
15. Packers (4-6; No. 13): With 153 points allowed in four games, some Packers employees may soon be gathering their belongings and placing them into luggage and other receptacles for clothing and other personal effects.
16. Eagles (5-5; No. 14): A year ago, 5-5 would have put them in contention for the division title. Now, it puts them firmly in the basement.
17. Ravens (5-5; No. 15): Even Ray Lewis trolling Joe Flacco wasn’t enough to get the Ravens over the hump in Dallas.
18. Steelers (5-5; No. 19): On Thanksgiving night, the Steelers will be giving thanks for not having to face Andrew Luck.
19. Colts (5-5; No. 24): “We Won On Thanksgiving With Scott Tolzien At Quarterback” is likely a banner that won’t be raised in Indianapolis.
20. Buccaneers (5-5; No. 23): If this team could play at home like it plays on the road, it would be running away with the division.
21. Titans (5-6; No. 18): If this team could play in the division like it plays out of the division, it would be running away with the division.
22. Bengals (3-6-1; No. 20): The easiest way to not lose in the playoffs is to not play in the playoffs.
23. Cardinals (4-5-1; No. 22): “Next on Season Two of All or Nothing, more nothing.”
24. Panthers (4-6; No. 27): The Black Hole is both the next place the Panthers will play and a fitting description for the current location of the version of the team that went 15-1 a year ago.
25. Chargers (4-6; No. 25): The only major item left on the docket is to avoid becoming the only team to lose to the Browns.
26. Saints (4-6; No. 21): Of all the teams in the division, this is the one that could go the deepest into the postseason — if it can get there.
27. Rams (4-6; No. 26): Well, at least they won’t be 7-9 again.
28. Jets (3-7; No. 28): Ryan Fitzpatrick remains the starting quarterback. They must really hate him.
29. Bears (2-8; No. 29): Charles Barkley would be a better option at quarterback.
30. Jaguars (2-8; No. 30): It feels like Gus Bradley is a blowout away from being blown out of his job.
31. 49ers (1-9; No. 31): Patriots fans have somehow figured out how to deal with those traffic problems in Santa Clara.
32. Browns (0-11; No. 32): They say they’re not focused on wins and losses. It’s probably safe to go ahead and focus on losses.