1. Packers (1-0): Maybe the defense is finally fixed.
2. Raiders (1-0): Marshawn Lynch is still Marshawn Lynch.
3. Chiefs (1-0): Alex Smith is no longer Alex Smith.
4. Cowboys (1-0): Dak Prescott is Dak Prescott 2.0.
5. Patriots (0-1): How many points would the Patriots have surrendered if Bill Belichick wasn’t a genius?
6. Seahawks (0-1): If they can’t run the ball, they can’t win on the road.
7. Falcons (1-0): To cure their Super Bowl hangover, the Falcons nearly ended up swigging a little Super Bowl hair of the dog.
8. Steelers (1-0): When Le’Veon said “I’mma need 17,” was he talking about yards?
9. Lions (1-0): Opposing defenses will soon be trying to figure out how to kill Kenny.
11. Jaguars (1-0): All those up-downs triggered a down-up for the Jags.
12. Dolphins (0-0): Few teams have encountered more adversity without playing a single game that counts.
13. Ravens (1-0): Four years after “In Ozzie We Trust,” they can finally trust in Ozzie again.
14. Vikings (1-0): It only took them a decade to realize they had too many eggs in Adrian Peterson‘s basket.
15. Broncos (1-0): The offense built a lead, and then the offense tried to blow the lead. That should go over well with the defense.
16. Buccaneers (0-0): Given what the Bucs have endured the past week (and given the softening nature of training camp), they may want to re-think the title of the Hard Knocks series.
17. Panthers (1-0): Christian McCaffery’s “batteries” could be the best way to stave off Cam Newton‘s Kryptonite.
18. Rams (1-0): The Rams nearly scored one point for every fan in attendance.
19. Titans (0-1): The meat-and-potatoes Titans are too good for game-opening gimmicks like a surprise onside kick.
20. Bills (1-0): It was just the Jets.
21. Cardinals (0-1): If the Cardinals lost their swagger last year in a Week One loss to the Patriots, what did the Cardinals lose this year in Detroit? (Beyond their star running back.)
22. Chargers (0-1): New city, same position in the AFC West standings.
23. Bears (0-1): There are no moral victories — except when there were only three actual victories a year ago.
24. Giants (0-1): Time for OBJ to get PĀD.
25. Washington (0-1): It’s good they have Scot McCloughan to fix the problems on the roster oh wait.
26. Saints (0-1): It looks like that string of three straight 7-9 seasons will indeed be broken.
27. Browns (0-1): For one day in September, the Factory of Sadness generated a batch of Sadness Lite.
28. Texans (0-1): Get used to the bottom five, until Duane Brown is among the top five among all offensive linemen salaries.
29. Bengals (0-1): Maybe we now know why they resisted trading A.J. McCarron.
30. Jets (0-1): When the Jets play in Oakland on Sunday, New York fans will be rooting for the CBS feed to switch to Heidi.
31. 49ers (0-1): The 49ers nearly scored one point for every fan in attendance.
32. Colts (0-1): Andrew Luck should refuse to play until he’s healthy enough to play . . . for another team.