1. Eagles (6-1; No. 2): Before they can be a Team of Density, they need to be sure that it’s not Carson Wentz‘s destiny to get injured while being reckless with his body.
2. Patriots (5-2; No. 3): It’s just a matter of time before we forget all about the time they were 2-2.
3. Steelers (5-2; No. 4): They’re suddenly treating Le'Veon Bell like a rented car on a rocky road.
4. Chiefs (5-2; last week No. 1): With all the praise directed to the offense, has anyone noticed that the defense isn’t getting it done?
5. Seahawks (4-2; No. 6): They’ll face the Eagles in the regular season; it may be an appetizer to an excellent postseason rematch.
6. Vikings (5-2; No. 7): The Vikings and Teddy Bridgewater are currently like Helen Hunt and Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway. #timely.
7. Rams (5-2; No. 9): Why do I have a feeling people would be saying “we’re not sure what to think of this team” even as they are hoisting the Lombardi Trophy?
8. Bills (4-2; No. 10): Doug Whaley joins fired General Managers like John Dorsey and Dave Gettleman as potential Executive of the Year In Absentia candidates.
9. Dolphins (4-2; No. 11): The 2011 team MVP has a chance to become the 2017 team MVP.
10. Saints (4-2; No. 15): They’re starting to party like it’s 2009.
11. Texans (3-3; No. 13): Deshaun Watson will soon find out that Legion of Boom is slightly better than the Legion of ‘Bama.
12. Panthers (4-3; No. 5): Mike Shula is starting to make David Shula look good in comparison.
13. Washington (3-3; No. 8): If the offensive line continues to get banged up, Captain Kurt may soon need to go see Doctor Spork.
14. Falcons (3-3; No. 12): Is Steve Sarkisian still under warranty?
15. Titans (4-3; No. 17): Does beating the Browns in overtime actually count as a win?
16. Lions (3-3; No. 16): With the Steelers coming back to town, will Phil Luckett be joining them?
17. Jaguars (4-3; No. 18): Does the bye week count as a “bad week” in the good-week-bye-week-good-week-bye-week formula?
18. Cowboys (3-3; No. 19): Will Dak Prescott vs. Carson Wentz become the new Manning-Brady?
19. Chargers (3-4; No. 23): Could it be 1992 all over again for the Chargers?
20. Raiders (3-4; No. 25): How much better would they be if they’d drafted a running back instead of luring one out of retirement?
21. Broncos (3-3; No. 14): They had “sub-optimal, near-replacement-level quarterbacking” in 2015, and it was still better than what they’re doing now.
22. Packers (4-3; No. 20): It’s hard to take a guy seriously when he says “don’t count us out” immediately after giving everyone a reason to count them out.
23. Bears (3-4; No. 27): When the offensive game plan consists of scoring multiple defensive touchdowns, that’s not a sustainable offensive game plan.
24. Jets (3-4; No. 21): Tanks for the memories.
25. Bengals (2-4; No. 24): Could Hue Jackson pull off the ultra-rare moved of being fired by one team and hired by another in the same state?
26. Buccaneers (2-4; No. 26): It’s a good thing that ownership is patient and even-keeled and never makes rash decisions when it comes to firing coaches.
27. Ravens (3-4; No. 28): Steve Bisciotti recently passed out votes of confidence. Which means the pink slips will be passed out, eventually.
28. Colts (2-5; No. 29): Receiver T.Y. Hilton would like to apologize for accurately pointing out that the offensive line stinks.
29. Cardinals (3-4; No. 22): When Drew Stanton‘s career highlight is a celebration on the sideline, it hasn’t been a very memorable career.
30. Giants (1-6; No. 30): During the bye, does Ben take a vacation from the Brylcreem?
31. 49ers (0-7; No. 31): After so many close losses, it feels like they’ve just given up.
32. Browns (0-7; No. 32): Carson Wentz. Deshaun Watson. So who’s the next franchise quarterback on whom they will pass?