1. Eagles (1-0; last week No. 1): The “let’s just use a gadget play to wake up the quarterback” routine is not going to be sustainable.
2. Patriots (1-0; No. 2): Forget the post-#Tommy plan. The Patriots need a good post-#Gronk plan.
3. Packers (1-0; No. 4): One-legged Aaron Rodgers is actually a better thrower of the football than two-legged Aaron Rodgers.
4. Jaguars (1-0; No. 5): No-legged Aaron Rodgers would be a better thrower of the football than two-legged Blake Bortles.
5. Rams (1-0; No. 8): So much for the “starters need to play in the preseason” argument.
6. Falcons (0-1; No. 6): It was deja vu all over again for the Falcons.
7. Chiefs (1-0; No. 10): Mahomes to Hill could eventually become the new Montana to Rice.
8. Vikings (1-0; No. 9): The Vikings still need to figure out how to deliver a knockout blow.
9. Saints (0-1; No. 3): Throw out Week One’s outcome, except when losing at home to a division rival. And when giving up 48 points in the process.
10. Steelers (0-0-1; No. 7): Elite teams don’t blow 14-point fourth-quarter leads to teams that have won one game in two-plus seasons.
11. Ravens (1-0; No. 17): Lost in the “Bills blow!” narrative? The Ravens may be pretty damn good this year.
12. Panthers (1-0; No. 12): They get a chance this weekend against the Falcons to prove that they are still a major factor in the NFC South.
13. Seahawks (0-1; No. 11): Trying to run away from Von Miller will at least make Russell Wilson more prepared to try to run away from Khalil Mack.
14. Buccaneers (1-0; No. 31): Everyone expected them to start 0-3 without Jameis Winston. Is it now crazy to think they’ll start 3-0?
15. Chargers (0-1; No. 13): The annual “this is their year” team proves yet again that it’s not.
16. Dolphins (1-0; No. 18): A year after their Week One game was scrapped due to a hurricane, they essentially played a weather-induced doubleheader.
17. Texans (0-1; No. 15): It’s hard for an MVP candidate to play like one if he has no blocking.
18. 49ers (0-1; No. 16): When it’s time to sort out the final standings, the 49ers will regret letting this one get away.
19. Broncos (1-0; No. 26): It doesn’t quite avenge Super Bowl XLVIII, but for a Broncos team that often couldn’t get out of its own way a year ago, knocking of Seattle was a great way to start the season.
20. Bengals (1-0; No. 22): Sure, it’s only Week Two. But how often in the last two years have the Bengals been playing for sole possession of first place in the AFC North?
21. Bears (0-1; No. 23): It will take a while to get Bears fans to find the pearl in the pile of poo that the Packers plopped onto them.
22. Washington (1-0; No. 30): This team will go as far as Adrian Peterson can take them. Based on his recent injury history, that may not be very far. (Disclaimer: I’d still never bet against the guy.)
23. Titans (0-1; No. 14): The Titans added injury to interminable.
24. Cowboys (0-1; No. 19): A sports book needs to set the week when Jerry Jones does a 180 on Jason Garrett.
25. Jets (1-0; No. 28): Perhaps all that talk about the quarterback position was aimed at getting us not to notice that the defense is pretty damn good.
26. Raiders (0-1; No. 24): Wade Phillips figured out Jon Gruden faster than Paul Guenther figured out Sean McVay.
27. Giants (0-1; No. 25): How many Giants fans are already thinking, “We should have taken Sam Darnold“?
28. Colts (0-1; No. 27): Snowboarding or not, it’s when not if Andrew Luck gets injured again.
29. Cardinals (0-1; No. 29): Good news . . . Sam Bradford was able to play the whole game. Bad news . . . Sam Bradford was able to play the whole game.
30. Lions (0-1; No. 20): At this point, not even Adam and Eve would be tempted by the fruit of the Belichick coaching tree.
31. Browns (0-0-1; No. 32): “BEST START SINCE 2004!”
32. Bills (0-1; No. 21): This Sunday, Bills fans should just stay home and watch the video of last year’s Bengals-Ravens game.