1. Patriots (3-0; last week No. 1): The Patriots now have more regular-season wins in one decade than any other team in NFL history. Until the NFL gives out trophies for that achievement, the Patriots won’t care.
2. Chiefs (3-0; No. 2): With Patrick Mahomes, the Chiefs may break New England’s new regular-season wins record in the next decade.
3. Cowboys (3-0; No. 3): At this rate, they’ll clinch the division before Halloween.
4. Rams (3-0; No. 4): They’ve helped cure that Super Bowl hangover with some hair of the Dawg.
5. Packers (3-0; No. 7): After drowning his sorrows in scotch last year, Aaron Rodgers is back to using it as a celebratory beverage.
6. Ravens (2-1; No. 8): They tried to out-Chief the Chiefs, and they failed.
7. Saints (2-1; No. 9): An inevitable future without Drew Brees suddenly doesn’t look quite so dystopian.
8. Vikings (2-1; No. 10): They could have found someone to repeatedly hand the ball to Dalvin Cook for a lot less than $28 million per year.
9. Seahawks (2-1; No. 5): Pete Carroll took a football to the face before the game, and things went downhill from there.
10. Bears (2-1; No. 12): Their foot slipped off the gas pedal after building a 28-0 lead, and a better team would have parlayed that opening into a win.
11. Colts (2-1; No. 13): Could they actually be better without Andrew Luck?
12. Bills (3-0; No. 16): With Tom Brady coming to town, it’s time for the annual run on one specific piece of merchandise at the local adult novelty shops.
13. 49ers (3-0; No. 17): A special season includes plenty of pretty wins and a few ugly ones, too.
14. Texans (2-1; No. 20): Yeah, they mortgaged their future. But they still have plenty of cash on hand right now.
15. Chargers (1-2; No. 11): No team can expect to keep winning three out of every four close games.
16. Jaguars (1-2; No. 21): Jalen Ramsey really was sick. He really was. Really.
17. Titans (1-2; No. 14): The consistent inconsistency of Marcus Mariota continues.
18. Browns (1-2; No. 15): Last year, it was the Vikings; this year, the Browns are the champions of failing to properly reel in outside expectations before the season begins.
19. Lions (2-0-1; No. 22): With the Chiefs coming to town, we’re about to find out how good this team really is.
20. Eagles (1-2; No. 6): My NFC preseason Super Bowl representative has plenty of work to do, starting Thursday night at Lambeau Field.
21. Falcons (1-2; No. 19): At this rate, Matt Ryan will be in 2020 the next former MVP working with an offensive-minded head coach only a few years older than him.
22. Raiders (1-2; No. 23): The autumn wind is another double-digit loss.
23. Steelers (0-3; No. 18): At least the Penguins will start playing again soon.
25. Giants (1-2; No. 31): On Sunday, Danny Dimes may have the Washington defense dropping another deuce.
26. Broncos (0-3; No. 24): No wins, no sacks, and no real chance to avoid a third straight losing season.
27. Buccaneers (1-2; No. 25): #DelayofGameGate is making Buccaneers’ fans reconsider their position on Bruce Arians.
28. Bengals (0-3; No. 26): The Bengals and Steelers used to play for dominance of the AFC North; they’ll now be playing for exclusive ownership of the basement.
29. Cardinals (0-2-1; No. 28): Againdt the Panthers, the average gain per passing attempt was roughly two Kyler Murrays.
30. Jets (0-3; No. 29): Their extreme confidence seems increasingly misplaced.
31. Washington (0-3; No. 30): If this team ever changes its logo, the new one should be a guy stirring Gatorade with a stack of cups in a clear plastic sleeve.
32. Dolphins (0-3; No. 32): Even when they don’t play all that poorly, they still lose by 25.